After nearly slipping into a coma after reading my last thoughtful post about Mormonism, I decided to go a different direction for now. Unfortunately, my life seems pretty darn boring most of time, so I either have to make stuff up or go with the stuff you would never hear from me in person--you know, the juicy bits. I'll go with the latter.
Being gay means I have a hard time reciprocating my wife's sexual interests. I'm pretty much on the gay end of the Kinsey scale. And that, as I'm sure you can imagine, complicates life. But far from the gay Mormon man's marriage portrayed in HBO's Angels in America, ours is a lot more fun, understanding, and yes, even sexy.
I grew up feeling extremely sexually repressed. I never stole glances. I never looked at porn when another kid had it. And I never played doctor (maybe that explains my decision to go to med school... ha!). Which is why I find it really surprising that my wife and I are so comfortable with all things sexual. We talk about everything. She knows how I feel, she knows about porn, she knows about everything. It's too bad I couldn't have told her several years earlier that I was gay and then I wouldn't have broken her heart repeatedly at BYU when I never managed to take our relationship to the "next level". I didn't want to get too close and hurt her, but she was already closer than I ever imagined. She wasn't surprised when I told her I was gay. And she didn't care.
She's the best wife a gay Mormon could ever ask for! She's more gay friendly than I am. Her best friend in high school was a gay guy. Her best friend in college came out at BYU and has been a happy lesbian ever since. And then there's me. The queer guy she fell in love with before she knew I was gay.
Unfortunately, (and you all probably saw this coming) the marriage and honeymoon haven't been as smooth as we both hoped it would be sexually. I couldn't "finish" sex without resorting to hands for the first six months of marriage. I even went to a doctor about it (the dimwit). It got better over time and as we became more honest with ourselves and each other.
As has been observed in other blogs, the Mormon church is big on the prohibitions to gays, but not so big in the area of advice and creative solutions to the problem. So we're trying to work this marriage out the best way we can think of. She says she just wants me to be happy--she would even divorce me for my own happiness if I really thought that's what it would take to make me happy. But I assure her it is not. What will make me happy is her and our family. Other than the sex, it's a dream come true.
Knowing that I'm turned on by guys, we tried to think of acceptable ways to modify our sex life. My wife suggested we film ourselves having sex because she knows I like watching people have sex. Unfortunately, I would rather watch nice looking people have sex, so that didn't really work too well. She offered to let me masturbate whenever I want--as long as she's there. We even once discussed having a threesome with a man. Oooh la-la. My goody-goody side vetoed that one in a typically confounded gay Mormon way. I figured we would both enjoy it and it would probably serve some of the ostensible churchy purposes of sex--making us closer--but because I thought it would be bad for the third party's spirituality I regrettably nixed (I sure saved that whore, didn't I?).
I never did manage to get her to offer to watch porn with me. Now that would be the best of both worlds! We could both watch some hot guy peeling off his clothes and both be satisfied. Right? Well, when it comes down to it, she's turned on by me and she wants me to be turned on by her. She knows she can't expect it, but I can tell that's what she really wants.
So for now, we live as the odd couple. Me leaning conservative, her liberal. Me having voted for Bush (dumbass that I am), her for Kerry. Me reluctant to endorse gay rights issues, her vehemently outspoken in favor of them. Me married to her partly because of my faith, her with a wavering testimony and supporting gay affirmation.
I love this lady and I can't imagine living without her! But I want to have sex with every non-obese 20-something male I see with reasonable hygiene. So, what's with the paradox? If, like her, I didn't believe in the church and believed in affirmation I wouldn't have even married her! We help each other through our respective trials, and ultimately, I'm really happy with that. So happy, it's probably worth not having the best sex.
Probably the most amazing thing about it is that our relationship has been the result of a lot of deliberate work. I think it's something I could have built with a man, perhaps more easily, but I didn't. And now I've got what I've got. I think the term "making love" should refer to what my wife and I do on a regular basis that has nothing to do with sex--increase our love through conscious effort. At certain times, I could wish my troubles on everyone, because this is a good life. And reflecting on what Elbow recently said about growing old with a gay companion, I see my wife as the best companion imaginable. Now it's just a matter of what to do about the sex... anyone want to come over for a threesome?