Sunday, August 22, 2010

Judge Walker, is that a fact?

The overturn of proposition 8, historic and fascinating, will do a lot of good for gays. I hope. I'm not sure, really though, because when there are so many statements of opinion designated as "facts" upon which the findings are based, it's hard to know how that's going to play out.

I don't have the time right now to trot out all the examples, but one will surely come as no surprise to anyone who reads this blog:

51.Marrying a person of the opposite sex is an unrealistic option for gay and lesbian individuals.

Yet, here I am. As with many of Judge Walker's "facts", this begs the question. When I got married, I went down to the courthouse and filled out the paperwork and paid my $20 to get a license. Then we did it. How is this "unrealistic"? Oh, yeah, because gay and lesbian individuals wouldn't necessarily value or want such a marriage because we're gonna equivocate between the legal standing that marriage is and the loving relationship of intimacy that marriage can be... at least for this part of the argument. The only one that is ever guaranteed for anyone is the former, and it's just as "realistic" for anyone who signs up.

My new standard disclaimer: I favor recognition of gay marriage but oppose the civil rights argument and arguments of equality as the basis for it. No amount of love conquering hate, tolerance conquering animus, or loathing giving way to acceptance is going to change the fact that marriage between homos and heteros is qualitatively different because only one can naturally produce children. And Judge Walker, that's an *actual* fact.

Saturday, August 07, 2010

An update for anon

My last post got a comment from an anonymous writer who says we have a lot in common. He asked for an update, and I realized that I haven't really written anything about myself in ages. There have been a few rants (and I feel one boiling up about the latest prop 8 ruling, even as I type), but this blog is supposed to be about *my* journey and it hasn't been much of that for a long while.

I'm a lot less ardent than I used to be. There are many reasons for that, but I'm still a little ashamed to admit it. I was raised to be ardent, and I've been active and faithful my whole life. But lately I've been feeling some laziness in my spirituality. I don't read the scriptures often and I seldom pray other than at meals and church. Our FHEs are sporadic and lame. I home teach still and enjoy it for what it is, and I still attend church and do a good job with my calling... but I've lost my spiritual moxie.

It would be an easy matter to set aside my faith and move on with life, if that's what I thought was best. But I've decided to believe and specifically decided that the alternative is not for me. So, I see my current lukewarmness as a bump on the road. Something that will pass eventually.

As general commentary, I've also always told myself that when I'm not living the gospel fully, I will never make judgments about its value. I stick by that, and so I'm in no state to shuffle through the tired arguments as to why the church doesn't "make sense" or why the historicity of the scriptures can't possibly be right, etc.

Having said all that, my marriage is as strong as ever... stronger? We love and cherish each other and I don't think I could face the world without her. Sex sucks. Or comparatively, anyway. I'll be honest about that... it's not all I would get were I to go after what my body responds to best. But, my life, my family, my ambitions... are all about a lot more than getting the best sex.

If I were to fall in love with and make love to a guy, as you have done, anon, I suspect my happy life would be shattered. So, I feel for your current challenge. You're in command of your own fate, so I'll decline to speculate on where your marriage will go from here, but I wish you the best in any case.

That brings to mind one of the things that makes my wife and I so close. She has told me more than once that she wants me to be happy. She's willing to divorce me and let me move along if that's what I think it would take as a gay man. Ironically, it's that willingness to give me up out of love that makes me love her and want to keep her forever.

Making one's way through this maze of life, there are many unexpected twists and turns. I'm going to try to avoid dispensing foolproof advice, recognizing that there are so many nuances that we can never even communicate to others. But, for me, trusting in God has led me to a place that is happy, and remains happy, even without God. Or, more accurately, God is here waiting in the wings until I figure out this current puzzle of faith, but I couldn't be where I'm at without His help getting here regardless of where my faith goes from here.