No Easy Outs

I've seen several posts discussing coming out as a way to be more honest about ourselves and to be who we really are as unapologetically as possible. I appreciate the importance of these things. However, I'm still not out to anyone I see on a regular basis except my wife. There are several reasons for that, and perhaps the most weighty in my mind is the fact that once out you can't go back in. The finality of coming out (whether perceived or actual) demands some pretty careful consideration.

As far as sexuality goes, I don't consider my attractions to be a "defining" part of who I am. They're significant and influence (probably) every aspect of my personality, but the sexual aspects themselves are purely private. They don't dictate my interests or behaviors and I consider them completely irrelevant in 99.9% of my daily interactions. So, in some ways, I just don't think coming out has much importance for me.

Some people have a much different experience than that, however, and would like to be open about sexuality and homosexual issues in their discussions and interactions with other people. I've felt this way myself, but when the issue is a discussion of my own sexuality (and not sexuality in general), I sometimes have to stop and really examine whether it's even appropriate to discuss my personal sexuality with whoever it is I'm chatting with. Sure, they're a friend who cares about me and loves me, but it's still a sacred and private topic. I'm not shy at all about talking about homosexuality or having explicitly sexual conversations in an impersonal, objective sense, but I tend to shut up (despite my occasional desire to "share" myself with friends) if I'm rational about it.

Perhaps the main reason I can think of for caution in coming out is that not being out has kept me away from temptation on many occasions. I have been to SO many professional meetings where I'm in a hotel far away from home and there is an organized group of GLBT medical students and physicians who, well, would likely provide plenty of opportunities to get into some hot trouble. I've been to their meetings to be supportive, but when I'm there I don't label myself as gay. I label myself as married with children and heterosexually active (or I would, if someone really pressed me for a label!). I read Abelard's description of a temptation with a coworker who was gay (and offered a sexual encounter!), and I suspect such a situation would have been exponentially worse if Abelard had been out to that coworker. I remember Max's description of a coworker who became obnoxiously determined to get it on after he learned that Max was gay. I've chatted with other bloggers who have gotten into trouble by "outing" themselves to others as well (once, for example, resulting in excommunication). Basically, I have plenty of temptation in my life without adding more. I'm pretty sure that I owe my 'gay virginity' to the fact that I haven't been out and have therefore had fewer opportunities to get into trouble.

I do see the benefits of being honest with close friends and loved ones about central issues such as this, and I am still considering whether, how, and when to come out to my parents. I'll do so when I see some real opportunity for benefit, and until then I plan to keep the private aspects of my life private.

Out, honest, and anonymous

There's a thread on Times and Seasons in which Ben (Master Fob) is lauded for his courage in attaching his name to a recent Salt Lake Tribune article. Overly self-critical, I'm prone to take this as an indictment of my lily-livered reluctance.

I've been asking myself why I'm so inclined to stay anonymous. I feel good about myself and I truly believe I have nothing to be particularly ashamed of. I've mentioned a fair number of sins on this blog (being gay is not one of them), but none that have been unaddressed, and I suppose that's part of the beauty of blogging about it--it moves me toward resolution. I get value from being frank in this blog. I enjoy the candid exchange on topics that matter to me.

I've discussed through comments the pros and cons of coming "out" to my family and decided that it's not what I want or need right now. I'm here. I'm on the blog and I'm real. I'll do my advocating that way--advocating for gays and for Mormons to one another. There may be some future time when I want to put my name behind my words. I can see how that has potential to be more effective.

However, this blog contains the good the bad and the ugly. It's what I would have said, had I been Mel Gibson drunk. Everyone might say, "See, there are his true colors, we hate him, he's trash," instead of saying, "perhaps he fights every day to deliberately shape his thinking into what he wants to believe rather than the prejudicial way he's inclined." Well, I don't know much about the Mel Gibson fiasco, except I've seen no such charitable assessment. Blood is in the water and it ain't pretty. Do I want some version of that for myself in which people I look in the eye on a regular basis judge my suitability as a parent, my decisions, my beliefs, and my sexual situation?

Even though I love and trust them, I'm not too excited to have my family read this blog either. It's not how I would present myself to anyone who knows me regardless of the fact that it is completely honest. Unrestrained honesty is not always the best thing. When we confess and forsake certain sins, we don't do so before the whole world. So, I'm keeping with our family decision to stay anonymous while hoping to hang on to the value journaling through this journey gives me. And if, by chance, you think you know me, please respect our wishes by keeping it to yourself.

Content with angst

I think my views of my sexuality are pretty healthy. It's not something I chose, it's not something I can change like a switch, and it's a pervasive part of my daily desires and subconscious behaviors. (Notice that I didn't say it could never be changed or that it is in intrinsic part of my identity. These views are similar, but carefully maintain a language and philosophy that promotes a political agenda).

Some people think being queer makes you less of a person. I think conventional thought for many years--maybe centuries--has been that being queer is a result of personal deficiency of character. It's been thought to show a lack of willpower, a refusal to conform to societal norms, a willful perversion. And although society is now more tolerant and understanding, some form of these ideas is always being projected by individuals, by organizations, and just by frank tradition.

I personally think being gay makes you a deeper person--with a greater potential to understand, be sensitive, and perhaps positively develop one's character. I think gays are to be universally commended for the way they constantly face struggles and misunderstandings resulting from our current societal temperature. Unfortunately, they are instead berated by themselves or society for being different. Or weak. Or freaks.

I think my view is largely attributable to a particularly insightful bishop who shocked me by expressing his deep admiration for the strength I've had and the persistence I've shown in trying to be worthy and be true to the gospel. I expected him to condemn me for my failings, which have been more than a few and have persisted over many years. But his reaction showed an amazingly merciful and, I believe, Christ-like view of the issue. God certainly knows that what I'm attempting to do is beyond difficult.

And now that I've deliberately mulled it all around for a few months, talked to a counselor, and blogged through discussions with friends and foes, I feel I'm in a pretty healthy place. I still have setbacks, and communication problems, and times when I feel pretty worthless. But I continue to try. I'm ardent. And I feel that resilience puts me within the boundaries of the atonement.

Now when I'm in crisis mode--my desires are pulling hard and I feel out of control--I remember that I'm a biological creature and this is something I deal with. And I deal with it well. If not in the moment, in the following minutes and hours and days. And because of this, I feel better. Even in the moment.

I think life is a balancing act between being malcontent and being satisfied. I think I generally err on the side of being a perfectionist (as many folks with SSA do). But, for whatever reason, for the last several years I've given myself permission to not feel as guilty with my imperfections and my struggles. It's not that I accept that striving and change are unnecessary, it's just that I realize the guilt and self-punishment can be counterproductive. I'm not less of a person for my struggles, rather I'm more of a person for the honorable way I persevere in dealing with them.

A Congregation of One, part 8

Landon. That’s who I am. But what part of that identity is necessary? What parts, if taken away would make me cease to be myself? I love my family, and I don’t want to do anything to hurt them or jeopardize the beautiful life we share. We are happy. And that happiness comes from many things, but chief among them is my faith that being married and having children is a situation that will persist outside this world and beyond death—something that I believe is impossible for me in a gay relationship. This decision for myself on how to deliberately address my cognitive dissonance in what I hope is the most honorable way is constantly called into question by life. By family. By peers at school. By yearnings that influence my actions like marionette strings.

And yet, I sit quietly at the back of the gay Mormon congregation. Everyone else may get up and leave. The chapel may fall down around me. But I have the authenticity I seek. The personal insight. The affirmation that what I am doing is acceptable before both myself and God.

Index for A Congregation of One
part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5
part 6
part 7
part 8

A Congregation of One, part 1

I jotted some experiences down while I was in medical school and I've been meaning to share them for some time. They make a loosely connected narrative of my experience in the last several years making a serial pseudo-story. I thought since I'm quite busy right now and unable to post much or comment much on other blogs, I'd take this opportunity to share.

A Congregation of One

I feel like I’m in a place a little left of reality. Or a little right. I’m happy. And conflicted. Mormon and gay. I’ve been discriminated against by gays and Christians, Mormons and doctors, conservatives and liberals. I belong nowhere. I’m a middle class white male. I’m a minority among minorities.

_________

“Landon. Come on.” She gave me that look. The head slightly tilted and cocked eyebrow that screams, “How oblivious are you?”

After a pause: “Jeremy.” Yeah. That made sense. The New Med News article in which he defensively railed on religious bigotry directed toward gays was the tip off. I took the revelation in stride and just said, “Yeah, I had an idea on that one.” It was down time on the wards and our political banter had led to gay marriage and then to gays in our class. I, clueless as a rule, didn’t know any gay class members. Or, rather, I didn’t know who they were.

But now I did. I had speculated as much since meeting Jeremy for the first time as we both sat waiting for Sacrament Meeting in the local Mormon congregation for single students. Mormons are odd like that—divvying up congregations by demographics. Our unknowing congregation of two had settled near the back. Despite that we both had attended BYU, we both had majored in the humanities, and we were both in the same med school class, we never hit it off as well as I would have liked. We were always friendly, but where I was the ardent Mormon, he was the skeptic and seemed reluctant to appreciate someone so willing to fall in line with the saints.

“Hey Jeremy, great article.” I said one day just entering Epperson Research Building from the CCOMF bridge.

“Thanks.”

“I sort of disagreed with a few things, but overall I loved it.”

His face fell slightly. “Interesting. Like what?” We chatted. It was a great discussion. What neither of us knew, but perhaps both suspected, was that each of us secretly being in the gay Mormon congregation had clarified our reasoning on this topic. We both had insights perhaps beyond what you would expect from a typical Christian or a typical queer. We ended up e-mailing on the topic to pick up where we left off the spontaneous exchange.

And then, there I was receiving confirmation during our pediatrics down time. I felt a little cheap. Like a fourth grader wanting to hear who liked who—but unwilling to fess up to his own crushes. Coming out, even though not directly to me, had signaled shifting loyalty in my friend. Or, at least, clarified his long-standing loyalty. My congregation was now officially a congregation of one.

Index for A Congregation of One
part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5
part 6
part 7
part 8

Self-acceptance

According to popular gay rhetoric, if a man attempts to resolve his homosexuality, he must be unable to accept himself as he is. Even popular psychotherapies promote this false dichotomy.

Critics of reparative therapy suspect that it is primarily guilt that keeps clients coming to treatment. Although guilt may have been a strong motivator that originally propelled the client into therapy, it is never the foundation for successful treatment. In fact, after some months in therapy, the client typically reports a diminishment of guilt. What has diminished here is not actually valid guilt, but the excessive guilt he has felt so long that it feels natural.

Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D.
in Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality

I can only speak for myself in terms of self-acceptance, guilt and my motivation for reparative therapy.

Guilt isn't much in play at this point. I still have some guilt when I look at porn, but never from being attracted to men. And whether for better or worse, I have less guilt from the porn too. I think it's just that I'm not as fatalistic about it. Sometimes I feel guilty for not feeling guilty, but porn seldom takes centerstage anymore--I just acknowledge it and move on. So, the point is, guilt isn't my motivation for wanting to change my orientation.

As for self-acceptance. It almost makes me smile at the suggestion that a desire to change shows a problem with self-acceptance. So, studying for school, getting a haircut, working on my tennis backhand (if I played tennis--haha), and lifting weights are all symptoms of my inability to accept myself the way I am. If we're talking about personal worth, I have all the self-acceptance that I need and I don't think changing my orientation will make me any more of a human being. If we're talking about self-improvement, I'm afraid I have to concede that I consider self-acceptance to be antithetical to my goals. Even having goals is antithetical to self-acceptance. :)

Ultimately, I wonder if the problem with the "self-acceptance" argument is that it ends up being an authoritative person telling some other person that they are living a lie--that the authoritative person allegedly knows more about their character and identity than they do themselves. Therapists and activists (and for that matter, church leaders) all assert with ostensible authority what parts of a person's character are necessary. Who's a person to believe? As I've said before, I don't buy that my sexual orientation is a necessary part of my character.

Limitations of gay love

Each one of us, man and woman alike, is driven by the power of romantic love. These infatuations gain their power from the unconscious drive to become a complete human being. In heterosexuals, it is the drive to bring together the male-female polarity through the longing for the other-than-me. But in homosexuals, it is the attempt to fulfill a deficit in wholeness of one's original gender.
...
The inherent unsuitability of same-sex relationships is seen in the form of fault-finding, irritability, feeling smothered; power struggles, possessiveness, and dominance; boredom, disillusionment, emotional withdrawal, and unfaithfulness. As a result of this binding ambivalence, his same-sex relationships lack authentic intimacy.
...
Gay couplings are characteristically brief and very volatile, with much fighting, arguing, making-up again, and continual disappointments.... Research, however, reveals that they almost never possess the mature elements of quiet consistency, trust, mutual dependency, and sexual fidelity characteristic of highly functioning heterosexual marriages.
...
The results show that of those 156 couples, only seven had been able to maintain sexual fidelity. Furthermore, of those seven couples, none had been together more than five years. In other words, the researchers were unable to find a single male couple that was able to maintain sexual fidelity for more than five years.

Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D.
in Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality

It makes me chuckle when I see words like "authentic" used like swords--first the one side swings, then the opponent. Who gets to be acknowledged as really "authentic"?

And why exactly should I buy matter-of-fact statements about the unconscious basis for sexual drives? So, everyone everywhere is subconsciously trying to become a complete human being by filling up personal deficits or consuming "other-than-me" by having sex? I don't like unsupported assertions like that, but I suppose I find it plausible because it is consistent with my own experience--I want to have in a visceral way the object of my attraction. Even with that concession, it seems hokey.

Lastly, I don't buy the qualitative difference he suggests between gay and straight sex because two gay men have the same "deficits" and a man and a woman don't. This just all seems like what one of my psychiatry mentors calls "psychobabble". I try, I really try, not to think psychology is crap-science. But it's hard. :)

What I DO buy is the data about long term relationships. These couples had made a commitment of fidelity and the outcomes were measured by gay researchers. Lacking some other explanation for it, I suppose his theory takes on some credibility.

Living a lie

Three times today I've seen references to people lying to themselves. Once by a gay man in reference to when he was living within the constraints of the Mormon church, once by a gay man in reference to another gay man who has chosen a straight marriage and to remain true to the church, and once in an editorial in reference to affirming gays.

The last reference says, in part:

He believes he is homosexual and has found some seasonal peace in being "honest" about who he believes himself to be. The real tragedy of this story, as well as the doctrinal reality in it, is that this young man has been deceived into being honest about a lie.

It sort of makes me tired. Each person being a law unto themselves. That's what personal revelation is about, right? Getting a feeling about something and then believing it at the expense of all else to be true to yourself. Looking for "inner" truth. Oh, wait, is that arrogance and wishful thinking? I'm so confused. Why didn't anyone say, "I am at this very moment living a lie." I guess people are all deceived rather than lying (which implies self-awareness of the deception) and it takes an outsider (or a new improved self) to spot it. Too bad all the outsiders disagree. They probably all think I'm living a lie. And I disagree... but then, I would.