You may have heard the quote from St. Augustine in which he requests to be blessed with chastity, but "not yet." I feel that. Ol' Gus probably slept around a bit more than your average Saint, and judging from his writing, he enjoyed himself.
I've decided to give conversion therapy a try. From what I've seen on the gay Mormon blog circuit, I think I'm the only one giving this a try right now. I had a bit of a debate about it in the comment section of this post. After this dialog in which I was advised to proceed with caution, I've decided I'll keep right on with it. But I recognize the chances of success are low. And I'll tell you one of the reasons I think that is true.
Like Augustine, I want something, but not all the way. I really want to be closer to my wife. I want to fully connect with her sexually. I want to feel closer after sex, not further apart. But I also want to stop denying that integral part of myself that desires the love of a man. I ache for a man to love me, to understand me, and to be a loyal friend. It's what my bones tell me I need while my mind tells me I need something else--like a thirsty man surrounded by salt water.
Cognitive dissonance is kind of a buzz term these days. I understand it simply as holding two contradictory beliefs simultaneously. It can tear you apart if you let it. And it creeps up on me all the time. It rears its head when I decline to watch r-rated films because I'm being good, but knowing I watch much worse than that when I'm being bad. It shows up when I take the sacrament even while I have my questions about several doctrinal and historical points in the church.
But inner conflict should hardly be surprising to a latter-day saint. We fast deliberately to train our bodies to be subject to our minds--to symbolize and actualize sacrifice. But then that ends after 24 hours. Wouldn't it be nice if my gay fast could end tomorrow?
I'm left with my faith and my marriage vows, and the hope for a happy solution in this life that is against all odds.