Today's lecture

I'm rotating through a department right now that involves interviewing troubled teens. During a presentation by one of the attendings today, several cases were presented and we had to go through the motions of taking a history and trying to "uncover" the real problem. As we went through the process I felt pangs of regret and worry anticipating my turn as a parent of adolescents. I've had multiple close relatives who responded to a parent's ultimatum, "As long as you're living under my roof...," by leaving home and living with a friend. One such episode is happening right now in our family, and it makes for some sad drama.

It reminds me of the difficulties of communication. Will my kids know how much I love them and how much my advice is based on wanting them to be happy? Or will they think it's all arbitrary and my way of keeping them under my thumb? How will I be able to convey when my advice is just opinion and when it's a matter of life-or-death safety? How will I manage to be frank without pushing them further away? I suppose such melancholy speculation is unwarranted for a father of mere babies, but it's on my mind today.

So, my post today is no lecture. I know I make my posts sound like a fatherly lecture at times, but today's lecture is canceled. In lieu, please accept my love and hope for all that's good for you.

Conditions of love

The issue of the give and take of love gets a pretty good treatment in States of Grace. Elder Farrell's dad says he'd rather his son come home in a coffin than come home dishonored. And, admirably, Dutcher doesn't flake out with a pat reconciliation at the end--the dad stays distant and Elder Farrell stays tormented to an extent. What kind of love is that? What kind of love wants the best for a person, thus sets up expectations of behavior, and failing those expectations withdraws completely?

Holly's parents struggle with the same thing. They love their daughter, it seems, enough to send her to L.A. first class with all their support and hope for the best as an actress. But when things go south and she makes some poor decisions out of desperation, they withdraw not only their approval, but even the most basic of personal contact. Do they see that in some strange way as being loving to their daughter?

I can understand the importance of emphasizing your moral viewpoint to your children. I can understand the temptation to give ultimatums. But sending the message that mistakes are irrevocable is anti-Christ.

I'll never turn my son out, regardless of the decisions he makes, unless he becomes a threat to the safety and well being of others for whom I have responsibility. So, the trick now is, how do I make it absolutely clear that he always has my love and support without dampening the high expectations of behavior I have for him as well? I dunno. It doesn't even seem that tricky to me at the moment. Why then do people put conditions on their love?

Naked time

My son likes to be sans clothes and sans diaper. He likes naked time. And really, what toddler doesn't? I've wondered how to respond to his penchant for nudity because I sometimes wonder if my childhood was unnecessarily traumatic secondary to puritanical respect for modesty. I still remember the exact scene where I learned that boys shower together in middle school. I was horrified beyond anything I had yet experienced. This communal showering was not only acceptable but also required?!? I've since wondered whether and how my sexual views during childhood have contributed to my homosexuality and/or difficulty with sexuality during adulthood.

Yes, I realize that there's no data to suggest that you're more likely to be gay if you've been conditioned to think of naked girls as bad and consequently explored sexual curiosity with boys instead. I know it, but I can't help suspecting it anyway. It's just part of my brain's attempt to explain everything in life as causally related to something else.

I don't want to make my son feel the way I felt growing up. It was unnecessarily hard to be hung up over sex regardless. I want my son to feel just the right combination of casual disinterest at being naked around other guys, but enough modesty that he isn't a frank exhibitionist. Turns out, we're not too modest around here, and I wonder if I'll regret that later. Sometimes I think fatherhood is perilous mainly for the misinterpreting, over-reacting, and scapegoating as I try to repair my own past in the way I interact with my son.

Family and friends

In addition, Matthew told us that as he thought about all his friends who struggle because of same-gender attraction, he quickly realized that the friends who seem to have the most peace in their lives are the friends who have told their parents about their challenge. We have encouraged the young men who have met with us to be as patient and as understanding with their parents as they want their parents to be with them. The parents will have to go through a learning curve, and, in most cases, the parents are trying very hard to understand their child's challenge.

Marilyn Matis in In Quiet Desperation

My parents do not know I'm gay. And if they've suspected, I've given them plenty of reason to suppress any concerns they may have had by providing them with such empiric data as a wife and child. And, given their zealous conservative adherence (and over-adherence) to perceived doctrine, I don't imagine them being the most comfortable with the idea. I mean, they would be, after a while... if I could manage the patience Marilyn is asking for, but I don't really want to go through the in-between time. I'd rather just skip to the part where they're as accepting and comfortable with it as I am. But it took me decades to get here.

When I think about the folks I've met through their blogs, there seems to be a definite pattern (not without exceptions) that family knowledge and support of the issue makes one better able to accept and deal with being gay. I'd say parents are the most important for a single guy, and wife is most important for a married one. Those intimate partners (parents and spouse) are invested in every part of one's happiness and life.

There are, of course, some folks who have too many issues of their own to be able to help deal with a child or spouse's sexuality concerns. Sharing with such folks might make the road harder rather than easier. But I think they are few and far between. At least, that's my optimistic hope.

I've had a lot of support from friends who know I'm gay though. For me, these friends have been bloggers, for others they are real-life face-to-face people. The in-person kind of friends have benefits and drawbacks though. For example, contacts in the gay world can offer perspective and insight family can't approach on some topics, but they also bring a package deal of potential temptation and, well, sometimes betrayal.

Family is pretty loyal. At least, mine is.

At some point (I don't know when), I'll share this burden with my parents. Perhaps I'll link to this blog in an e-mail. Ha! Wouldn't that be the chicken way to get it all out on the table! They could research my story to their hearts' content. Of course, they'd also find out what a potty-mouth I am and that I occasionally have watched R rated movies, and that would probably weigh on them more than my being gay (what with being gay not being a sin and cussing being a perfectly volitional thing)!

Oh, dear family, if you read this, don't worry! I'll repent when I'm good and damn ready.

What to teach children

Being a father, and simultaneously being clueless, I sometimes get a little disturbed about how I'm going to raise my kids to be the happy, healthy, smart, perfect little citizens I want them to be. I've found in many other areas in life that setting one's expectations low makes for delighted feelings of exceeding expectations later. So, that's a start. I'm fully expecting them to hate my guts, fail at all their social and academic endeavors, and be recalcitrant menaces. There. All set.

But I will feel responsible if I haven't done my darnedest to help them learn and grow. I know I'm the one who has to take the responsibility for teaching them about life. FoxyJ mentioned in a comment a while back that, "a lot of your attitudes and thoughts are going to come from a family setting" and that sounds perfectly true. So, what will I teach my kids about being gay? What will I teach them about using alcohol and tobacco? Caffeine? Pierced ears and tattoos?

In that same post, Samantha relayed a discussion with her laurel class about "the choice" of being gay. Apparently, in a discussion on "Personal Purity through Self-Discipline," one of the laurels said she hated it when kids at school said they were gay and acted in a certain way just to get attention. Samantha put to rest any speculation about what is and is not a choice about being gay and was waiting for fallout with parents. I don't know that any fallout ever came, but I can easily imagine the situation being that a teacher had given my children a biased and unfriendly view of gays without my knowledge. I would have no way of knowing the discussion took place unless I proactively taught such topics to my family myself. Three cheers for FHE.

But what will I teach?

I'm not sure I would have dealt as well with the situation in Samantha's laurel class as well as she did. My teenage niece one day made a comment similar to that laurel, and the ensuing discussion left me feeling confused. She had complained that she felt the gay kids at school who were out and proud of their sexuality and getting scholarships based on their sexual orientation and activism, were loudly obnoxious and belittling to her for her religious views. When children are recognized for a sexual orientation they didn't choose, rewarded for their activism on a moral topic we disagree with, I can understand feeling adversarial and victimized when they turn around and seem loudly intolerant back. And, dear niece, your sexual orientation, being straight and all, is nothing special.

I grew up knowing that smoking was evil. Tobacco was a filthy weed and alcohol was a pernicious nectar. And such a moral background served me well. I've never in my life had alcohol, tobacco, coffee or tea, and I'm doubtless better off for it. But, I also grew up thinking that those who did smoke were bad people. And that's regrettable.

How do I teach a sensitive morality sophisticated enough to distinguish between appropriate actions for us and appropriate actions for others? I'm not sure it can be done.

How will I teach the distinction between inclinations, feelings, and actions, when I'm not completely comfortable with the topic myself?

Over-indulgence

It’s kind of surreal to read about yourself in the news. The comment banter weighing out your worth and wisdom is another experience altogether. I mistakenly thought that I would get lots more comments on my own blog after the Tribune article was published, but I’ve found most people come quietly to read and then go somewhere else to whisper their incredulous disbelief at the spectacle that is me.

But, folks, this is the good ol’ WorldWideWeb. I can hear you. I will now indulge in sarcastically responding to your stupidity.

Children

The unforgiveable part is the fact that they are *breeding*... I feel very, very sorry for their children.
-ortizzle

Excuse me, I was out for a moment beating my son. You were saying? Oh yes, discussing my breeding habits… like I’m a dog. Well, you’ll be happy to know that I’ve successfully avoided DHS for 2 years now. I’ll pass along your condolences to my brilliant and well-adjusted toddler.

If you are gay and must get married--have a vasectomy. Children should not be made to pay for the ups and downs of your personal fullfillment odyssey.
-lovestone

I certainly hope you will do the same. Children should not be raised by ignorant bigots with Hitler-like agendas.

It is something else entirely to gamble with the emotional well-being of the children who are brought into the situation.
-Diogenes

And yet I’ve seen in all the comments thus far not one shred of actual evidence that what we’re doing is bad for the kids. Even if the numbers were out there, it wouldn’t be a “gamble”. Where you fall in the distribution of a bell curve is not necessarily random.

The poor wife

This is a marriage that we know (and the partners know) is almost certain to fail.
-Diogenes

No, we’re quite confident that we won’t fail, actually.

And I thought the women who married death row prisoners were nuts. I can't imagine marrying a guy who is openly gay. I just can't.
-Jennifer in Ohio

Well, if being nuts is a requirement, you’re well on your way.

Essentially, these are marriages of social convenience….
Would you want your daughter to enter such a marriage?
-MikeInWeHo

No, Mike, I can only hope she’ll be lucky enough to find a death row prisoner instead.

Motivations

Ben in the article said he chose his heart over his libido. Sounds noble, sure, but it’s wishful thinking.
-slm

Following your heart… dreaming the impossible dream… such stupid concepts. Don Quixote is such an ass. I hope the windmill chops him in half. We realists know there are no happy endings ever.

I think that the folks who enter into these marriages are probably somewhat naive about what they’re dealing with.
-pjj

What the hell? I just married a straight woman? What was I thinking? Why didn’t I actually give this some thought and research a little bit first? Why didn’t I ask the advice of every cynic on the web first? Why, why, why???

There is conservative critique, and then there is moving into outright self-hatred manifesting as political expression.
-Jason Pitzl-Waters

Okay, this wasn’t about me, but it does show the profoundly stupid notion that anyone who feels anything less than disdain for ex-gay therapy is filled with self-hate. Please.

Church

Seriously, he's gay - great! He should live his life that way and not spend a life-time feeling guilty and trying to make it match what a man-made religion thinks he should be doing with his life. HIS life. Not theirs, as much as they make think so.
-Bea

Can you please highlight the part of the article that says that our church dictated anything, anything at all about our decision, and send it over?

Wow. Repression-o-rama. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be told that your natural, normal attractions are wrong, and immoral and you must (should?) marry someone contrary to that attraction. Sad for all involved.
-Heather

Again, highlighter? Must/should where? Just because we did something you don’t understand doesn’t mean we were coerced.

So I can understand why the two of them would want to try a mixed-marriage like this, but it was done "right" by the church for all the Wrong reasons.
-Eli

The wrong reasons being love and commitment? Cuz that’s where we started from.

The confused gay

Has it never occurred to you that God created you homosexual for a reason, perhaps to help others of His creation become more honest, more compassionate, and more loving? And that, by living your life either in control of your "same-sex attraction" and closeted, or "openly gay" yet married to someone of the opposite sex for the sake of procreation was actually living a life contrary to God's plan for you?
-Anon1

I sincerely hope that the road ahead for you is far less painful than the obvious mine field I see you've laid out for yourself. Remember, it's never too late to be true to your authentic self. And by doing so, only then will you be true to God's plan for you.
-Anon2

I'm always amazed at the silly argument that God created us this way for a reason. Did he create someone with six fingers that way for a reason? (They're in big trouble for lopping of the spare, first chance they get!) What about someone stupid, should they feel satisfaction at maintaining allegiance to their true ignorant self by trying not to open their mind to new points of view? Are they more "authentic" as a dumbass? Maybe what God wants us to learn from being gay is humility, not complacency and self-justification.

Eventually, these gay people who are married to straights will either decide to accept they are gay and leave their current relationships or be very miserable up to and including suicide.
-golexx

Says the Oracle of Delphi. I've seen examples of great mixed-orientation marriages, and I've seen the bad ones. But they're not me, and so really I have to go by the specifics of our situation, something you know nothing about. I have a healthy attitude toward counseling and professional assistance, as does my wife. Our marriage by every measure imaginable is more harmonious and nurturing than 99% of my coworkers and friends as near as I can tell. We’re both happy. We both laugh like hell. And I think we’ll be fine.

I acknowledge a lot of this is out of context, but it gives you a feel for the discussion. And it's been cathartic for me to indulge in a little sassiness directed at what I see occasionally as rancorous ignorance.