Step 6: Change of Heart

KEY PRINCIPLE: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.

During a recent priesthood lesson on integrity, I opened a can of worms into the discussion by bringing up online file sharing and piracy. I'm guessing that mohos who blog fit well into the category of those who would be tempted to do some online file sharing. They're techno-savvy, often musically inclined, etc.

I had a technology industry job once where my coworkers were extremely capable at... well, hacking. They had a good time breaking into the county courthouse's network to find out which of our coworkers and superiors had been arrested and why. Ok, that's a little off-topic, but the memories... Anyway, we also had a large library of illegally copied software, music, and movies going around. I've always gone through cycles with such things--indulging and then deleting it all in a fit of remorse... only to start doing it again later.

Enter: step 6.

It's not just about pornography anymore. [That's happily in part because I haven't been nearly as tempted with it lately. But, I'm sure there will be times of extreme temptation down the road at some point, so I continue with the steps.] Having a changed heart extends its influence past that issue to every issue of my life. Do I want what God wants? I need to desire not just to avoid copied music and pornography and... whatever the case may be... but I need to actually lose the desire to return to them.

How does one lose the desire for sin? Especially if that desire has become seemingly hard wired in my nervous system? Oh yeah, I guess that's the whole meaning of an addiction and the whole challenge of defeating it.

The Lord wants to bless you with a change of disposition that will unite you with Him in mind and heart, just as He is united with the Father. He wants to give you rest from your isolation from God the Father, the isolation that caused the fears which contributed to your addiction. He wants to make the Atonement effective in your life, here and now.

As you yield to the promptings of the Spirit and look to the Savior for salvation, not only from addiction but from character weaknesses, you can be assured that a new disposition or character will grow out of your willing heart. A growing desire to be sanctified by God will make you ready for a change in your very nature.

The manual points out the propensity people feel to take their struggles head on, by themselves. And it points out that that approach is precisely why people fail to overcome their addictions time and time again. I know I need "a higher power" involved in the mix, but when it comes down to the time to submit to God, I'd rather go amuse myself elsewhere. I'd rather stay home from church, read blogs, watch TV, or pretty much anything rather than study the scriptures and pray with real intent.

“No matter what the source of difficulty and no matter how you begin to obtain relief—through a qualified professional therapist, doctor, priesthood leader, friend, concerned parent, or loved one— no matter how you begin, those solutions will never provide a complete answer. The final healing comes through faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and obedience to His commandments” (Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Apr. 1994, 9; or Ensign, May 1994, 9).

Although there are many possible roads to addiction recovery, I think for me the only one that will work is one that involves--REALLY involves--Christ.

Thinking of Jesus

"There are several lessons I've gleaned from my experience coming out of the darkness of a sin that so thoroughly dominates the lives of the people it ensnares: (1) This is a major problem that is unbelievably difficult to overcome.... (2) The most important source of support and strength in the repentance process is the Savior....(3) Intense, daily scripture study, regular temple worship, and serious, contemplative participation in the ordinance of the sacrament are all indispensable parts of a true repentance process. This, I assume, is because all of these activities serve to deepen and strengthen one's relationship with the Savior, one's understanding of His atoning sacrifice, and one's faith in His healing power" (letter dated Oct. 24, 2005).

"I knew it would be difficult," he wrote, "but I didn't realize what I would have to go through." His letter describes the emptiness and loneliness and the incredible pain he experienced from deep within his soul as he sought to return. He prayed mightily for forgiveness, sometimes for hours at a time. He was sustained by reading the scriptures, by the companionship of a loving bishop, and by priesthood blessings. But what finally made the difference was the help of the Savior. He explained:

"It [was] only through Him and His Atonement.... I now feel an overwhelming gratitude. My pains have been almost more than I could bear at times, and yet they were so small compared to what He suffered. Where there once was darkness in my life, there is now love and gratitude."

He continues: "Some profess that change is possible and therapy is the only answer. They are very learned on the subject and have so much to offer those who struggle . . . , but I worry that they forget to involve Heavenly Father in the process. If change is to happen, it will happen according to the will of God. I also worry that many people focus on the causes of [same-gender attraction].... There is no need to determine why I have [this challenge]. I don't know if I was born with it, or if environmental factors contributed to it. The fact of the matter is that I have this struggle in my life and what I do with it from this point forward is what matters" (letter dated Mar. 25, 2006).

-As quoted by Dallin H. Oaks

The first quote is from a man who was struggling with pornography. The second is from a gay man who had been excommunicated and was returning to the church. Involving Heavenly Father and Jesus in dealing with all the struggles in my life should be obvious, but sometimes I have a hard time remembering to do it.

The sacrament, I suppose, would be the appropriate time to think about this. Jesus knows what I face and how I feel more than anyone in the world. He's better able to comfort me and give me help than anywhere else I might turn. Seems like a benefit I'd want to take advantage of.

If anyone needs me in the next little while, you'll find me over here thinking of Jesus.

Fruits

I got an e-mail a while back from a gay guy who’s pretty happy with his life being gay, but had an odd dream in which he saw himself as married to a woman. And having children. And LDS. And extremely happy. He described it like this:

…last June something came over me that I haven't been able to shake -a vision of myself in the future, eternally married as a Mormon with two children. It was the most incredible, wonderful feeling I have ever experienced. In the vision, my world was completely different - nothing was about myself anymore, and instead, everything was about my wife, children, and God. Our children were so beautiful - we would have done anything for them. I was still gay (and we all knew it), but that didn't matter. Just as I had sacrificed certain career aspirations, my time, money, and the planned direction of my life, I had sacrificed being with men. It wasn't something that I questioned because I had evidence of the blessings in front of me at all times.

So, he hooked up with the missionaries and started taking the discussions. I don’t know where he is or isn’t in the process of investigating the church right now, but at one point they were teaching him about the fruits of the spirit and he e-mailed to ask me about the “fruits” of my choices.

I’m pretty stupid about most things, but particularly about my own life and happiness. I have huge mood swings, moments of manic happiness, frenzied stress, bitter frustration… you know, the spectrum of life. Does that make the “fruit” something worth setting out there as an example?

There have also been occasional comments and e-mails from people who, in one way or another, suggest that I’m trying to persuade people to do things like I’ve done it… or to convert them somehow to my way of thinking. I can’t deny trying to be persuasive on some topic when I think I’m right and some other point of view is stupid (notice: no instances offered), but overall I really thought I had made it abundantly clear that this is a journey for me, I don’t pretend to know where it will end or what all the answers are.

I can speak to the happiness I have in my life right now, and it’s genuine. But I can also speak to the difficulties we’ve had (and still have), as well as the many examples of couples that haven’t succeeded in making their marriages a perpetual bliss.

As far as comparing my situation to those who have taken a different path, things get muddy fast. And super subjective. I can only look at the choices people make, and the way I perceive their happiness and the quality of their lives. I don’t necessarily go by whether people say they’re happy, because I’ve seen some pretty nasty, bitter people snarl out how great their life is and that if anyone disputes their happiness they’ll snap their neck like a !@#$ matchstick!!!

It turns out my subjective conclusions don’t really support the “fruit” theory at all. I see the full spectrum ranging all the way from wonderful, exemplary people to cranky jerks both inside the church and out. Of course, the traits that qualify the wonderful, exemplary people as such are qualities consistent with following LDS church teachings, whether they’ve been achieved by trying to follow Christ’s teachings deliberately or not. And vice versa.

I think Galatians isn’t really talking about knowing anything by its fruits (although it’s a great analogy), but specifically the gifts of the spirit. But if I’m making decisions about what to believe and do based on who I want to exemplify and become, I feel pretty good about things anyway.

Terms and Conditions

3 Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.

4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things*.

Moroni 10:3-5

*Terms and Conditions

All aspects of this Truth and Knowledge Promotion are defined hereinbelow and are conducted exclusively by God, hereafter "The Source". To the extent that anything contained in this Agreement contradicts or is in any way inconsistent with the Holy Scriptures, the Holy Scriptures shall control in all respects. If you do not agree to the terms of this Agreement in their entirety, you may not receive a Knowledge of the Truth, hereafter "The Product". Please check the words of living prophets periodically for changes, as The Source reserves the right to revise this Agreement at any time.

Upon The Source's acceptance of your request to receive The Product, as indicated by your express consent to this Agreement, The Source hereby grants you a revocable, non-exclusive, non-transferable and limited license to The Product to participate in life in strict accordance with the terms and conditions of this Agreement and as permitted via other instructions contained in the Holy Scriptures. You acknowledge and agree that all content and materials made available via The Source are the property of The Source. The Source may terminate this license to The Product at any time for any reason.

In attempting to obtain The Product, you agree to provide a sincere heart, real intent, and have faith in Christ. That is, to receive the Product you must be willing to accept The Product and all the implications included therein. Such implications may engender temporary confusion, disappointment, and regret, but such consequences shall be mitigated through faith and subsequently further engaging The Product.

Unless explicitly stated otherwise, any future offer(s) made available to you by The Source that augment(s) or otherwise enhance(s) the current features of The Product shall be subject to this Agreement. You understand and agree that The Source is not responsible or liable in any manner whatsoever for your inability to use or participate in this program, qualify for any knowledge of the truth, or for your inability to utilize any associated functionality. Inability to use The Product may arise from mistaking subjective personal experiences as part of The Product itself, acting in flagrant violation of the principles inherent in The Product, and other poor choices. However, The Source generously concedes a liberal tolerance for personal effort to enhance the product and for mistakes committed thereby, as long as users of The Product remember that The Product is clarified and becomes more usable by degrees (line upon line, so to speak) with patience and obedience. You understand and agree that The Source shall not be liable to you or any third party for any modification, suspension or discontinuation of The Product based on your own poor choices. You understand and agree that refusal to use the The Product is your sole right and remedy with respect to any dispute with The Source.

Should a dispute arise concerning the terms and conditions of this Agreement or the breach of same by either party hereto, the parties agree to submit their dispute for resolution by arbitration before the Lord Jesus Christ on the final judgment day.

Healing power of Christ

At times we may despair that our burdens are too great. When it seems that a tempest is raging in our lives, we may feel abandoned and cry out like the disciples in the storm, "Master, carest thou not that we perish?" (Mark 4:38). At such times we should remember His reply: "Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?" (v. 40).

The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ—whether it removes our burdens or strengthens us to endure and live with them like the Apostle Paul—is available for every affliction in mortality.

-Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Something really great has been happening to me. Not to be dramatic, but I think my New Years' Resolutions have really helped me be happier. It's either that, or all the vitamin supplements I'm taking in conjunction with my 2007 fitness plan.

Not long ago I felt like I was in the depths of inaction. No matter how much I thought about change or wrote about change or wanted change, I just couldn't get myself to think or believe or behave any differently than I had for years. I didn't know what I was going to do. I prayed with no immediate answer. I just kept going. I've been thinking and hoping and gearing up to get my act together for months.

And now, somehow, I think it's working. I feel better. I'm cleaner, healthier, and more motivated to do the things in my life that I know will be good for me.

I really enjoyed listening to Elder Oaks' talk again while I was jogging along today. It reminded me of all the reasons I still hope and believe and worship Jesus Christ. He's really our advocate and loves us more than we can imagine. There's something magical about the atonement--otherworldly. And yet here it is influencing my actual life in a wonderful way. I'm grateful for that healing and I pray I can have the faith and faithfulness to continue to heal in Christ.

On your honor

"It is Ellidyr who paid the final price," Taran said slowly. "The last honor belongs to him." He spoke then of Islimach [his suicidal horse]. "He has lost all else, even his steed."

"Or perhaps gained all," Gwydion answered. "And his honor shall be certain. We shall raise a barrow to his memory. Islimach, too, shall rest with him, for they are both now at peace. Smoit's dead shall also sleep in honor, and a barrow be raised above Morgant King of Madoc."

"Morgant?" Taran asked, turning a puzzled glance to Gwydion. "How can there be honor for such a man?"

"It is easy to judge evil unmixed," replied Gwydion. "But, alas, in most of us good and bad are closely woven as the threads on a loom; greater wisdom than mine is needed for the judging."

I've been encouraged to be honorable as a boy scout (the scout oath), in school (the honor roll), and as a missionary ("return with honor"). I've never been a huge fan of conceptual honor, exactly, as it makes me think we're talking about reputation. But I suppose the self-perception and moral identity aspects of honor are good ones to support.

So, The Black Cauldron is all about honor. But my initial reaction was a less-than-enthusiastic one since the way they talk about honor reminds me of my brushes with renaissance fairs. Through a series of events I won't describe, I found myself dishonorably clothed in jeans and t-shirt in the midst of dozens of back-clapping, cod-piece wearing fellas who seemed to stare at me as if I were a freak. The blemish on my family's escutcheon will be difficult to buff.

What I loved about it after reading it, though, was the contrast between the honor Ellidyr wanted (which was based on others' perceptions and was a complete sham and he would have known it) vs. the honor an assistant pig keeper can hold in his own heart regardless of having little status in the world. While the message seems to be that the honor does not derive from who we are, but from how we behave, I extend that in my mind to be an endorsement of the idea of seeking God's honor or some sort of self satisfaction rather than "aspiring to the honors of men."

This is also an appropriate time to think about this topic because recently I felt very humiliated in a public forum. I felt misunderstood and frankly victimized by angry folks who have obviously been deeply hurt themselves and lost a lot of perspective. Looking back, I recognize that group dynamics sometimes dictate harsh perceptions of certain points of view, but that harshness and the dishonor heaped on you by the mob are ridiculous. It's good practice to worry not what others think, just what God thinks or what I think of myself.

Honor means having a good work ethic, paying for what I receive, respecting others, being honest, etc., and I suppose this all equates to being a disciple of Christ for me. And even though I'm more of a Morgant some days than a Taran, I'm happy to keep trying to make the closely woven threads of good and bad in my loom lean toward the good.

Thanksgiving

Today I finally got around to really being touched by Thanksgiving. I was thinking about Jesus and my need for someone who understands me. I was thinking about my older brother reaching out and taking my hand... Jesus understanding my insecurities and my desire for affection, and smoothly reassuring me that I'm loved and have a best friend in Him.

Plus, my family sang.

It's been forever, it seems, since we've had a good gather-'round-the-piana-and-sing-til-it-hurts extravaganza. The songs were beautiful and were largely about gratitude for the atonement, for families, for all our blessings. I love my life and I love my family. I'm so thankful for it all.

Whenever I hear the song of a bird
Or look at the blue, blue sky,
Whenever I feel the rain on my face
Or the wind as it rushes by,
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
Or walk by a lilac tree,
I’m glad that I live in this beautiful world
Heavenly Father created for me.

He gave me my eyes that I might see
The color of butterfly wings.
He gave my ears that I might hear
The magical sound of things.
He gave me my life, mind, my heart;
I thank Him rev’rently
For all his creations, of which I’m a part.
Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.

My Heavenly Father Loves Me
The Children’s Songbook, p. 228

Cognitive therapy

Don't let the post title scare you away. This is not a post about gay therapy at all. Rather, it's a post about thinking your way through a challenge. When I was rotating through psychiatry, lots of patients were prescribed cognitive behavioral therapy--fixing problems by changing the way you think about things and the way you react. Phobias, depression, delusions, and anxiety can all be helped by thinking carefully and rationally about the issue.

Here's my problem: I see the passionate experiences of folks like John Galt and Enduring Eric and I want those experiences for myself. Here are married men who had extended affairs that were by all accounts highly enjoyable and now are in the process of returning to the church and receiving full forgiveness and all the blessings of the gospel. Their own blogs explain the details and all the obstacles and heart-wrenching repentance they have and are experiencing, but at the end of it all I keep thinking they've managed to have their cake and eat it too.

I want to love and be loved in the powerful way John describes. Gay or straight, I think few people find a soul mate as attractive and perfectly suited as John has. I wonder if the forbidden nature of an affair makes it that much more passionate. Actually, I'm sure of it. Regardless, that's the kind of passionate sexual connection I've never experienced. And I should be thankful, all things considered, but I find myself feeling cheated. Why shouldn't I experience it just like John did and then repent and go on with my family life?

Commence cognitive therapy.

The problem with my thought process on this subject is that, like many church members, I've tried to distill the atonement into some kind of spiritual arithmetic--the kind that always ends with dividing by zero and being forgiven of all debts. But the gospel of Jesus Christ isn't only about the tally of sins and the ability of the atonement to "cover" them like a credit limit, it's about becoming like God. And you don't become like God by milking the system. You can't become holy by planning your sins and delaying your repentance to get the maximum experience. Every sin contributes to Jesus' suffering. Every one. What kind of person has his sexual fling knowing that the cost is another person being hung from nails through his wrists? Not a divine person, to say the least.

When Elder Eyring says:

This is my warning to you today. It is a bad estimate of your personal costs to believe that a choice to commit sin is made so free by the power of the Atonement that we can have painless forgiveness... how much better to choose to be good and to do it early, a long way upstream from the terrible effects of sin.

I revert to my self-defeating mental exercise of rationalizing that I would be willing to endure a large amount of pain to have the intense experiences John describes. But, then I remind myself that it's not primarily about the happiness or pain involved. It's about becoming a divine person.

Elder Eyring also says:

If we stay at it long enough, perhaps for a lifetime, we will have for so long felt what the Savior feels, wanted what he wants, and done what he would have us do that we will have, through the Atonement, a new heart filled with charity. And we will have become like him. That promise also is in the Book of Mormon: "Charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen." (Moroni 7:47-48.)

I don't have to experience what seems like the most passionate and intense feelings in life. I don't need to "experiment" with my gay feelings to see what it's like... to know that, yes, I really am gay, and yes, I really will be missing out on that amazing sort of passion I desire in order to become who God wants me to become.

Heart failure

Little old ladies who are dying like to flirt with me. And how do you turn that down? "Oh, well, that's a fascinating story, but I have to scamper off and see the next patient if I don't want to be in this hospital for every waking moment of my life... I'm sure you'll have some actual family member along soon to comfort you. Bye now!"

One little old lady I currently take care of is dying of heart failure--an ironic malady for a woman so pleased with her young male physician. Heart failure is when the body fluids get backed up and end up filling up the tissues and lungs rather than staying put in the veins. You can't breath and/or you're swollen all over, and you're excessively thirsty despite the fact that you've been packing on more and more fluid. All that fluid can't do you any good because your heart isn't strong enough to pump it, and eventually you drown as you're dying of thirst.

As I chatted this morning with this sweet lady, feeling the pressure to move on to the next patient, I thought about my own heart failure

And in that day shall be heard of wars and rumors of wars, and the whole earth
shall be in commotion, and men’s hearts shall fail them, and they shall say that
Christ delayeth his coming until the end of the earth. (D&C 45:26)

Elections and wars and terrorism and really mean people make me tired. The other day I wandered through the circuit of anti-Mormon blogs and just found so much bitterness and hatred that it literally made me cry. Granted, being 4:00 AM in the middle of a frustrating call night might have had something to do with it! I get emotionally overwhelmed these days. I need to rely more on Christ, but I just don't do it. I'm like that patient who knows the lasix will alleviate the symptoms, but can't be bothered to fill the prescription and take it.

Well, I'm going to do it. I'm going to read the scriptures and feel better.

In Quiet Desperation, 2

Since Stuart's death, we have learned about and met many devoted Latter-day Saints who have the same challenge as Stuart's and who are faithfully serving in the Church. Because of the homophobia that prevails in society, they have lived secretive lives of quiet desperation.

Marilyn Matis in In Quiet Desperation

Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: "No wonder Apostles and prophets have told us not to be moved away from the hope of the gospel.... The very way in which... illuminated individuals 'take up [the] cross daily' is a sermon in itself. They lead lives not of quiet desperation but of quiet inspiration, constituting what Paul would call their 'defence and confirmation of the gospel.'"

I believe that those who truly understand and have internalized the eternal vision of the plan of salvation and its essential doctrines would never view submission to Christ and their eternal potential as "suppression." And I do not believe that those who understand the glory and majesty of the love of Christ and His infinite atonement would feel "desperate" in their discipleship. As Elder Maxwell pointed out, their hope in Christ transforms their feelings of desperation to inspiration and suppression to submission. In their faith and understanding of the gospel, they maintain a "perfect brightness of hope" for a "better world" (2 Nephi 31:20; Ether 12:4).

Ty Mansfield in In Quiet Desperation

Before ever reading the book itself, I thought the title was brilliant. It alludes to Emerson and captures precisely the mental anguish to which same-gender attracted folks in the church are so vulnerable. But I find myself so thoroughly encouraged by the book that in many ways it seems inappropriate now. I wonder if the title was imposed on the authors by the marketing department! It's apt for Stuart's suicide, but not to describe the lives of faithful Saints who learn and deal. In the quote above, Ty underlines Maxwell's concept of being released from desperation through Christ.

There were lots of other quotes from the book I thought about discussing--the discussion of holding fast vs. clinging to the iron rod, a discussion of mixed-orientation marriages, missionary work, etc.--but I think I've already gone on long enough for this title. My favorite quote from the book I never used and I'll save it for some other rainy day.

But for now I recommend... no, I vehemently insist--that you read this book! And my inter-library loan copy should be available for you to check out in a few days if you live near BYU-Idaho's library. ;-)

Index of Matis/Mansfield posts
In Quiet Desperation, 1
Terribly difficult
Psych
Exceptions
Mutually exclusive yearnings
Family and friends
Weakness
Fat and sassy
Goldilocks and the three queers
Celebrity deathmatch: Mansfield vs. Byrd
In Quiet Desperation, 2

In Quiet Desperation, 1

In truth, these chapters are much more about the gospel through the eyes of one individual who experiences same-gender attraction than they are about same-gender attraction itself. To be certain, these chapters are about "change," and they are about "overcoming" but not in the same way usually referred to in discussion on homosexuality.... These chapters are about a "change" of heart (Helaman 15:7) and of "overcoming" the world (John 16:33) through faith in Jesus Christ....

Ty Mansfield in In Quiet Desperation

My counselor several months ago was recommending books to me and suggested In Quiet Desperation wasn't the best one and that I would be best served by trying some others. I don't remember what our conversation was about exactly, but his suggestion may have been because at that point I was looking for more clinical and scientific information about homosexuality and reparative therapy.

Now that I've started In Quiet Desperation, I think I should fire him. I really like it a lot. I was further prepared to hate the book because of some critical comments circulating around the blogs several months ago, many by really smart folks I respect a ton. So, imagine my surprise when I finally got my hands on a copy and love it so far! It fits with my observation about most things in life--set your expectations low and you'll usually be pleasantly surprised. ;-)

The quote above is my favorite so far because it jives with something Elder Wickman said that has been weighing heavy in the back of my mind:

Ultimately, the wisest course for anybody who’s afflicted with same-gender attraction is to strive to extend one’s horizon beyond just one’s sexual orientation, one’s gender orientation, and to try to see the whole person. If I’m one that’s afflicted with same-gender attraction, I should strive to see myself in a much broader context… seeing myself as a child of God with whatever my talents may be, whether intellect, or music, or athletics, or somebody that has a compassion to help people, to see myself in a larger setting and thus to see my life in that setting.

The more a person can look beyond gender orientation, the happier and more fulfilling life is likely to be. The worst possible thing for any of us — no matter what our temptations, no matter what our mortal inclinations may be — is to become fixated with them, to dwell on them. When we do that, not only do we deny the other things that comprise us, but experience teaches that there will be an increased likelihood that eventually we will simply succumb to the inclination.

So, I think I'll be focusing more on the gospel as I go along. I do see myself in the larger context--this is only one part of my life. But I must admit that my mind goes to this blog much more frequently than it does, say, the scriptures. Ty is wise, and Wickman is inspired. I'll be adopting Ty's approach I think. It feels so right considering my recent frantic grasping for some strength and solidity in meeting my challenges. And then at General Conference the message over and over was that whatever your challenges may be, you need to rely on the Savior for mercy and comfort.

I feel much better.

Index of Matis/Mansfield posts
In Quiet Desperation, 1
Terribly difficult
Psych
Exceptions
Mutually exclusive yearnings
Family and friends
Weakness
Fat and sassy
Goldilocks and the three queers
Celebrity deathmatch: Mansfield vs. Byrd
In Quiet Desperation, 2

Step 2: Hope

I've been tempted to look at porn recently. I've thought about it off and on all day. And I suppose that means it's time to recognize that the 12 step program actually extends beyond step 1.

Step 2 focuses on having hope through Jesus Christ. It seems like an appropriate follow-up after all the General Conference talks I heard that reminded me that the Savior is key in dealing with my life's challenges.

But here's the problem: relying on Christ to take away my sins means taking away my sins, not just making my sins okay. I need to actually stay away from the porn, not just feel like I'm doing the best that I can and therefore it's all okay. A friend of mine told me recently when we were discussing porn, "you have to allow yourself the experience of being human." I found that very comforting at the time, but on further reflection, it's the experience of being divine that I want to allow myself.

I'm looking to deny myself of all ungodliness, but I've been looking to do it in the wrong way. Apparently, and this is so hard for me to believe, I'm not strong enough to do it. I can't do it... I can't do it.

I can't do it.

Huh. That's not really a common refrain for a post about overcoming a problem.

And yet, that's the whole point. I have such a hard time letting it go and letting Christ in to deal with this. I don't know why. I've been sitting here staring at the page trying to do the workbook assignment for a long time this evening and I'm just not feeling the peace. I'm fighting it for some reason. I don't want to go pray. I want to go porn. (My immediate reaction is to delete that, or qualify it, or something... but it's true. It's a deep rooted want.)

My trigger response to this situation has been to steel myself for the fight ahead. The fight that will hurt and be miserable and that I'll almost certainly fail as I have every time in the past. I grit my teeth and think, "Nobody's going to control you, make you do the right thing, or get you through this but yourself. It's your battle to fight. Just make it happen."

But that's all wrong. I'm failing because I'm fighting alone. I'm trying to be strong enough, and I'm not strong enough. The Lord's yoke is easy and His burden is light. I don't have to do it alone. Why am I such a spiritual delinquint? Why can't I actually get myself to understand and believe this? To really feel it?

I've got to let go, and I don't know how. I need to avoid touching evil gifts. I need hope.

We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Nephi 1:20).

Elder David A. Bednar

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Perfect empathy

I’m fasting today. It’s nice. During the sacrament I shed a few tears when I thought about the Savior—about what He knows about me and how He is the perfect man.

When I posted a series on my beliefs, I never wrote about the Savior. I noticed it then, and I noticed again when I was putting together my blog index. I think I hesitated for multiple reasons, foremost among them that I had nothing to say that I considered to be particularly insightful. (Not that that’s stopped me most of the time!) It also seemed to be slightly inappropriate for some reason. But I’m not sure why.

In The Miracle of Forgiveness, President Kimball does not distinguish between same sex attraction and sin. I think this is why his writings there in particular have offended many men who struggle with this issue. I, personally, love President Kimball and his huge heart in encouraging us all to be repentant and receive the blessings of the atonement in our lives.

In that book though, he asks rhetorically if people can possibly believe Jesus was “that way”. He suggests it is abhorrent to even consider, but on a topic that is so important to me, I need to understand why. If, as subsequent church leaders have taught, the inclination itself is not a sin, then how do we know Jesus was not in fact inclined “that way”? I do not mean to be sacrilegious, but to contemplate whether those who agree with the brethren that the attraction itself is not a sin will find themselves balking at the suggestion that Jesus himself could have been sinless under just such circumstances. If you squirm, ask yourself, why? When the church can unflinchingly consider this, we will have grown remarkably in our tolerance, and there will be far less need for someone like me to be anonymous.