More sex

In a way, my wife and I are achieving what some think is impossible. We're happily married, we've got a couple cute kids, and we manage to have sex even though I'm stark raving gay. Since I already opened the sex topic a few days back, I figure I might as well put in this little addendum while the subject is already on the table. Again, it's a topic that I approach with some reservation, because where is that line between appropriate and too much information?

Oh, well. I always did live my life as an open book.

The biggest challenge with having straight sex is making it an intimate experience between me and my wife rather than having my mind elsewhere (i.e. thinking about a guy). I could be wrong here, so feel free to argue with me, but I think the issue of intimacy focuses on not only what you do, but what the results are--are you more connected and intimate as a couple afterwards, or just messy? My wife pointed out to me after my last post on sex that I didn't really convey the parallel importance of physical gratification and intimacy--neither should nudge out the other. I mentioned that we love cuddling, but that's not the whole story. There is also that need for just the plain sex, I think.

I recognize that there's a commandment not to lust after anyone but one's spouse. So, there's that. But I want kids and I'm married, and so I'm willing to tolerate pushing some limits temporarily to make things work. And the way it has panned out is that I've thought about guys at certain times while having sex. This seems sort of pathetic, I grant, but it seemed requisite to achieve sex at all at first. It has become less so over time.

I haven't brought it up before despite that people kept saying "you must be bisexual if you're able to have sex with a woman." Folks, I'm really not. Or wasn't. Even now, I have some pretty good data to suggest that for all the progress I've made in being adequately turned on during intimate experiences with my wife, my responses are far more potent with guys.

Anyway, my point here is not to ruminate on my ambivalence and confusion on that topic. My point is to say that the raw physical component of sex is kind of important for a couple. The cuddling type of intimacy and pillow talk are great too. Neither should be the whole story or at the perpetual expense of the other.

Straight sex

I first want to just extend a welcome to all who came here through a Google search. You may not find what you're looking for, and I won't be offended if you leave. Feel free to come back and bring your friends when I do my post on penis enlargement.

I've been meaning for some time to post about sex, but I haven't known exactly how to do it. Understandably, there is some curiosity among single mohos about how a gay guy can possibly father children. Granting it's possible in the strictest clinical sense, is it something that robs a guy of all dignity to have sex with someone to whom he is not fully sexually attracted? How about with someone to whom he is not the least sexually attracted?

Well, the only way I could get myself to write this post at all was to speak only in vague terms about where we've been in our sexual relationship. I don't want to cheapen what I consider to be sacred and legitimate intimacy by sharing too much, but I do want people who are interested to have an idea of what it's like to be gay, Mormon, married... and sexual.

There's no question we were off to a slow start. I never kissed my wife before we were engaged, and even then I found that I enjoyed it less than when I had kissed a guy. This was not surprising to me though--after all, I'm gay. What surprised me was that I enjoyed it increasingly. I loosened up, thought about her rather than me, and things got better.

On our wedding night we had a family prayer right away. It seemed like an appropriate way to start a family, and without consciously deciding to, I turned it into an invocation for our sex. I asked God to bless us that the sex would be "hot and gratifying". Unfortunately, there were complications. [Shocker.] I even saw a doctor about this (who was, looking back, a complete moron). Viagra doesn't really help a healthy gay guy have straight sex, FYI.

Over the first couple years of our marriage, we tried different things to make sex more enjoyable--to facilitate things. We tried getting lots of books from the library about sex (I liked the pictures... hee hee), we tried toys (dice, edible whatevers, etc.), we tried lots of positions and circumstances. We conceded that our situation wasn't one well documented, and we were going to have to do some primary research of our own to figure out what would work.

And eventually the orgasms came.

I'd like to be able to say here that my wife turns me on as much as any guy ever could. But alas, it isn't so. And besides, what would I have to blog about if I were already at that point? I'll get there some day. The sex is enjoyable despite that, though, because we've both learned that most of the fun is in giving to the other person. I want her to feel every good thing possible, and it turns out that I do get turned on when she's turned on, despite it all.

For now we still have to be unconventional sexual partners--working out the kinks because we love each other and we're best friends. We don't have to have sex, certainly. And I think a lot of mixed orientation marriages end up being a version of celibacy. But despite the unusual amount of work that goes into gearing up for and making love, I think it's important. For one thing, people that have more sex are generally happier and more successful ;-). For another, they're healthier. Maybe Scot can whip through the primary research and provide a bibliography for that, but I'm pretty sure that's an evidence based statement (notwithstanding the screaming problems with the causal connection I'm implying).

Thankfully, our sexual encounters aren't like that creepy scene in Angels In America. I'm sure there are gay Mormons who might approximate that... but with some communication, open-mindedness, honesty, and commitment, sex has been "hot and gratifying" on more than a few occasions since my invocation. Even when the sex isn't quite as hot... there's always the cuddling. Mmmm... I'm gonna go lie down with my favorite person.

Naked time

My son likes to be sans clothes and sans diaper. He likes naked time. And really, what toddler doesn't? I've wondered how to respond to his penchant for nudity because I sometimes wonder if my childhood was unnecessarily traumatic secondary to puritanical respect for modesty. I still remember the exact scene where I learned that boys shower together in middle school. I was horrified beyond anything I had yet experienced. This communal showering was not only acceptable but also required?!? I've since wondered whether and how my sexual views during childhood have contributed to my homosexuality and/or difficulty with sexuality during adulthood.

Yes, I realize that there's no data to suggest that you're more likely to be gay if you've been conditioned to think of naked girls as bad and consequently explored sexual curiosity with boys instead. I know it, but I can't help suspecting it anyway. It's just part of my brain's attempt to explain everything in life as causally related to something else.

I don't want to make my son feel the way I felt growing up. It was unnecessarily hard to be hung up over sex regardless. I want my son to feel just the right combination of casual disinterest at being naked around other guys, but enough modesty that he isn't a frank exhibitionist. Turns out, we're not too modest around here, and I wonder if I'll regret that later. Sometimes I think fatherhood is perilous mainly for the misinterpreting, over-reacting, and scapegoating as I try to repair my own past in the way I interact with my son.

Eternal sex

There is, I admit, something definitionally inadequate about sex with my wife. I deny charges that we don't have adequate emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy or more intimacy than you can shake a stick at, but there is something there to be desired. And that's why I'm trying to objectively look at the data about changing my sexual orientation. It's actually quite difficult with the shrieking always in the background from people who (wrongly) claim that the question is already answered, or that I'm bound to end up suicidal if I undertake such an interest and hope.

Not to worry, I'm not going to become suicidal. And even if I don't achieve certified straight sex in my life, the sex we do have will suffice quite nicely, I'm sure. And the happiness and intimacy we currently share in our marriage increases constantly and I have no reason to believe that will stop despite the expressed fears of some that marriages like mine end up like some prison sentence.

Even if, as the data seems to suggest, deliberately changing one's sexual orientation is unlikely in this life, I still think I'll achieve "full sexual expression" in the next life. I mentioned something about resurrection in the SLT article and it was quoted on some blogs and ridiculed savagely. (Savage ridicule is so... worthy of reciprocity.) Granted, I can't annotate a great concordance with all the scriptural references for my belief in this department, but my thoughts seem highly consistent with what I know about the gospel and our eventual destination.

I think the biological components of same sex attraction--the actual neurological pathways and genetics and brain imprinting--will be "healed" in the resurrection to be consistent with the actual purpose of the reproductive system. The psychological aspects like emotional ties and relationships I'm not so sure about (which is one reason I think chastity is an eternal true principle). Ties to men loved during mortality will no longer be supported by physical attraction nor sanctioned by legal or divine authority. A life of love and common experiences will end when we're set to whatever our eternal jobs will be. But the emotional ties will probably remain, and to that end gays will have inadvertently created an eternal situation ironically similar to the temporary one I'm in now--one in which they are not fully sexually compatible with the person with whom they've shared their life. I imagine this might be an instance in which my imagined explanation of why gay love is ultimately wrong applies... of why gay love is good, but not good enough.

Anyway, those musings are ancillary to the true point of this post. The point is, I look forward to a time when, if not in this life then the next, I will be fully sexually compatible with my wife. What a foolish thing, some believe, to gamble so much on faith in a situation after death. But, I'm happy to do it. Gambling on my spirituality has yielded nothing but returns so far.

Progress report

It's been a while since I determined to do the 12 step program for porn addiction. I haven't had any problems since then, but I realize that I've got to be proactive in doing the work on the steps or it won't be of any use.

People say individuals finally become willing to abstain when the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution. Have you come to that point? If you have not and you continue in your addiction, you surely will reach that point because addiction is a progressive problem. Like a degenerative disease, it eats at your ability to function normally.

I thought this quote from the addiction manual was an interesting idea, although I'm not convinced it fully applies in the case of porn. I can imagine cases where it does apply: there are certainly case reports of porn users progressing to increasingly edgy porn to the point they engage in viewing illegal and frankly abhorrent images. I've heard (although I don't remember the specifics) that porn can progress to rape and murder.

However, it was precisely because the pain of the problem was so minimal that I've had a hard time getting started on the 12 steps. I was able to keep the porn on the down low, and without ever being confronted about it by my wife, things were quite comfortable all in all. The problem, of course, is that during this time I was losing opportunities to affirm my heterosexuality and to bond with my wife. I think sex was easier after looking at porn because I was more arousable. How stupid to become reliant on porn to have good sex. Sex should be a warm humanistic activity, not one where your highest highs involve a beige metal box with little blinking lights. It's a frustrating and complex situation for a gay man who wants to be deeply intimate with a woman.

Development

It would be nice to have a clear understanding about the magic of sexuality--how development occurs, how it can be variously a life-saver and life-destroyer, what goes on in the heart and mind... but I'm a bit skeptical that anyone can ever have much understanding in this area. There are plenty of well meaning and successful researchers chipping away at questions in the field, but ultimately I believe sex is a black box that no scientific reasoning or probing can get into. The subjective nature of it--the fantasies, the deep visceral desires and needs that are being offered and taken--make it impossible to measure without disrupting the process. "How does that feel? What are you thinking RIGHT NOW!?" All the probes and sensors, equipment, and measurements in the world won't really nail it down.

Which supports the plausibility of the view that God's take on the subject is of value.

My conjecture is that masturbation and pornography are obstacles to achieving the best sex possible. I wonder if one who successfully avoids masturbation altogether and whose first sexual experience is with a committed life-long partner is blessed with a powerful aid in psychological fidelity as well as a supernal sexual satisfaction that can only be achieved when comparison to outside sexual experiences is avoided altogether.

This seems consistent with the distracted and even bored appearing demeanor of models in amateur porn videos. The pros put on a better show, but I suspect they hide the same mental gymnastics I see attempted by those boys who actually have to WATCH porn in the background to get excited enough to MAKE porn. It's like an admission that everything they do is disappointingly average. They may be in their physical prime, alarmingly attractive, and virile to the gills, but when the climax comes it's an empty thrill. A moment of pleasure here and then gone leaving them only to lust for the next possibility for an equally fun but ultimately meaningless expression of physical pleasure... like ice cream.

If sex can be something more transcendental, as I believe and hope it can, it's not going to be achieved by sowing wild oats. I think it would be achieved through fidelity and discipline--avoiding porn and masturbation as well as any form of what Christ called committing adultery in the heart.

That masturbation was thought to cause "a perceptible reduction of strength, of memory and even of reason; blurred vision, all the nervous disorders, all types of gout and rheumatism, weakening of the organs of generation, blood in the urine, disturbance of the appetite, headaches and a great number of other disorders" but is currently understood in medicine to be a healthy and normal practice is commonly cited as evidence of the ridiculous nature of religious sexual purity. But for reasons based on my thinking here, I can imagine how masturbation could have ill effects, and apparently God has some ideas as well.

I know homoemotional feelings develop before puberty. I've heard reports that homosexual feelings can too, but I wonder if that's an artifact of our society's sexual preoccupations, as I think few sexual feelings of any kind should develop before puberty. But once puberty hits, I imagine sexual desires search for an anthropological structure on which to drape themselves. If that skeleton involves pornography and/or masturbating to fantasies of the same gender, I can see how that would lead to a developmental chain that after years would have established an inexorable intuition that one's sexual feelings are innate and unchangeable. But, it would be a mistake.

Self-acceptance

According to popular gay rhetoric, if a man attempts to resolve his homosexuality, he must be unable to accept himself as he is. Even popular psychotherapies promote this false dichotomy.

Critics of reparative therapy suspect that it is primarily guilt that keeps clients coming to treatment. Although guilt may have been a strong motivator that originally propelled the client into therapy, it is never the foundation for successful treatment. In fact, after some months in therapy, the client typically reports a diminishment of guilt. What has diminished here is not actually valid guilt, but the excessive guilt he has felt so long that it feels natural.

Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D.
in Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality

I can only speak for myself in terms of self-acceptance, guilt and my motivation for reparative therapy.

Guilt isn't much in play at this point. I still have some guilt when I look at porn, but never from being attracted to men. And whether for better or worse, I have less guilt from the porn too. I think it's just that I'm not as fatalistic about it. Sometimes I feel guilty for not feeling guilty, but porn seldom takes centerstage anymore--I just acknowledge it and move on. So, the point is, guilt isn't my motivation for wanting to change my orientation.

As for self-acceptance. It almost makes me smile at the suggestion that a desire to change shows a problem with self-acceptance. So, studying for school, getting a haircut, working on my tennis backhand (if I played tennis--haha), and lifting weights are all symptoms of my inability to accept myself the way I am. If we're talking about personal worth, I have all the self-acceptance that I need and I don't think changing my orientation will make me any more of a human being. If we're talking about self-improvement, I'm afraid I have to concede that I consider self-acceptance to be antithetical to my goals. Even having goals is antithetical to self-acceptance. :)

Ultimately, I wonder if the problem with the "self-acceptance" argument is that it ends up being an authoritative person telling some other person that they are living a lie--that the authoritative person allegedly knows more about their character and identity than they do themselves. Therapists and activists (and for that matter, church leaders) all assert with ostensible authority what parts of a person's character are necessary. Who's a person to believe? As I've said before, I don't buy that my sexual orientation is a necessary part of my character.