Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Johnny Lingo

Johnny Lingo, I think, was not gay.

If you're going to spend that many cows on a wife, you'd better really be fixin' to enjoy your investment. And to make that work, she's gotta know that she's worth every scrap of that beef. And that's just the trouble for me. I've become worried over the last several months that my Mohanna doesn't appreciate my appreciation... that she doesn't feel desirable. That she doesn't feel worth 8 cows. Or 4, or even 2.

Walking the dog through the park one day, I asked her whether she felt that my being gay subconsciously affected the way she perceives her own attractiveness. I asked her whether knowing that I was not strongly sexually attracted to her made her feel unsexy. I expressed my concern that she realize the difference between how a wife might normally interpret a husband's response, and how she should interpret mine.

Let me just say that walking over a bridge in a gorgeous park on a nice summer day is a good time to have this conversation. There was peace in the air, and we felt very close as we expressed our very real love for one another.

But it's one thing to think rationally through something holding hands in a scene from a Hallmark card, and quite another to have estrogen forcing you to cry when you don't want to, alone in the middle of the night. Err... so I've heard. A couple times since then things have turned hard and we've talked about it again. Something I've said or done has reminded her that our sexual situation is not ideal, and she realizes she does want to feel validated in that way... she does want to feel pursued, and sexy, and... worth 8 cows.

In my discouraged moments I think my efforts to give her 20 cows worth of affection and love are just an apology for the kind of love I'm not able to give her. And then I feel like I'm a bad husband. But in my good moments I know that 20 genuine cows worth of affection IS the kind of love I can offer and with some conscious appreciation and thoughtful effort we can work together to make sure we both have a healthy approach to our self image and our beautiful relationship. My Mohanna is worth more cows than any other woman (or man) on the island! I just need to make sure I send messages consistent with that fact.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am blessed with a 20-cow wife as well. The problem has always been that I need to SHOW her that she is such a wife to me! Because things don't come naturally, because I'm not attracted to her in a natural way, I sometimes need to be reminded. If I don't remind myself, no doubt she'll let me know through tears and frustration, of my shortcomings!

Thus, the challenge of my life...

Beck

Loyalist (with defects) said...

Thanks for reminding me what I need to do as well.

Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

This is why I am scared to get married... I don't want my wife to ever feel unloved or unattractive.

-Cas

Gay BYU Student said...

This makes me scared for marriage, too. I don't want to be a hindrance to some better-deserving daughter of God for the rest of her life. I know that's not what you are - and I'm impressed with how faithful and careful you are with your wife. I'm just worried that I won't be able to have that same kind of devotion. A lot of married gay mormon bloggers have talked about how hard it is to give their wife the love and respect she deserves. I wonder if I would/will be able to. Kudos to you and all the other devoted husbands.

-L- said...

Yeah, guys, I agree that this is the major drawback. Wild and star-shaking sex is one thing to think about when comparing straight and hetero marriages and their comparative benefits, but the other thing is this very real, very difficult issue. I didn't pull any punches in my description and I concede that it's probably the reason lots of mixed orientation marriages do fail.

Having said that, I have no regrets and my marriage and family make me happier than anything else in the world. This is also worth considering.

santorio said...

the other side of the coin is woman who gets a lot of feedback about her sexual appeal and then, 20 or 30 years into the marriage, loses that appeal (5 kids, 15 pounds weight gain with each kid, and so on) or no longer cares whether she is sexually appealing or not (who would think it but maybe her kids, her religion, her profession, her garden, her volunteer work, are all more important than sex!). if her husband has along the way expressed interest in and support for these activites, the marriage is great, but if he has been unable to see past her sexual role, then that marriage is headed down the tubes, either divorce or separate lives.

Samantha said...

Santorio: Ummm...married 20 years...not really worried about losing the sex-appeal thing (based on husband's reactions)...weight gain not a problem (for obvious reasons)...still placing sex above children, religion, profession, garden (what garden???), and volunteer work, because if I don't, it ain't gonna happen...but then, maybe this is just a lesbian thing, or maybe I just need to wait 10 more years for apathy to kick in?????

Truthfully, after 20 years I can truly say, the sex just gets better...sorry if that's TMI, but facts are facts.

Anonymous said...

what I want to know is why the hell are you married...Did you know you were gay before you got married? Or did you discover it after you got married and perhaps created a family?