Thursday, November 16, 2006

In embryo

For the most part, my various blogs have replaced my journal. I blog what I'm feeling and thinking and experiencing instead of typing it in my private record. However, it's a different dynamic. Today as I was chatting with a friend I remembered some experiences from a few years back and that motivated me to read a few journal entries. The things I wrote were so surprising through the refraction correction of hindsight! There were several things I thought about posting, but this one from five years ago is the one that, surprisingly, seemed the weightiest.

Today I’m more interested in who I am and where I am in my life. In my anatomy class I’ve been surprised to see men and women in the most vulnerable and exposed position possible—inside out... Each one of us presents on a day to day basis as an attractive, thinking, feeling individual. And yet each of us is, on a more fundamental basis, a very intricate and astounding combination of organs, genetic information, and just plain guts. Guts that change from day to day, as a matter of fact. I’m quite literally not the man I was just a few years ago. So the continuity I suppose is in the spiritual factor. In some inexplicable way a person’s spirit infuses the body with ... individuality and higher feelings.

... In embryology we speak of organs that are in the embryo but are then obliterated during later growth. I’ve seen parts of myself—parts that some have told me will never leave me—that I would like to be obliterated. I like to think that some have been and that it has made me closer to being like God. Others are to follow.

I don't care much if I sound like a broken record. I like to reinforce myself to myself once in a while, and I really feel powerfully certain that there are parts of ourselves that we need not mourn losing. Without such metamorphosis, life would not be possible. And without such a metamorphosis, becoming more like God is entirely impossible. Hence the concept of being born again, or letting God change us. I hope I can be changed in a manner that will remove my prejudice against change.

2 comments:

santorio said...

nothing subtle here--you're saying that your attraction to men is just another yolk sac or mesonephros, or even the appendix. not meaningless structures, serving a purpose once, but not permanent (eternal). perhaps. certainly it would be unwise to exclude that possibility. i guess eternal progression may not be just a refinement of who i am, it may also be an abandonment of who i am not.

-L- said...

You're probably right, but I'm not certain that's what I was thinking about when I wrote it. It could definitely apply to a broader range of topics than just sexuality.

Thanks for the comment, santorio.