Thanksgiving is completely over-rated. There's no candy, no gifts, and the food makes me sick. Most of the good stuff I have in my life, I've earned, and I don't need this guilt trip like I'm unworthy of it all. It's taken sacrifice and work and, really, I deserve every last bit of the things I have. In fact, considering the long years of delayed gratification, the studying, the loans, I deserve a lot more than I have. Really, when I think about it, the universe has been completely cruel to me. And why? Why do I get essentially NOTHING that I deserve? Life is so unfair.
I thought about doing a post about all the good things in my life... you know, to try to put a positive spin on the travesty that is my unjust existence. I'd post some list detailing every random thing to find something good about it. "I'm thankful for income tax because it helps me to be humble. I'm thankful for speeding tickets because law enforcement is important. I'm thankful to have lost my arm on the job because now I get disability." But something inside me felt slightly cynical about such a post. So, I decided to fess up and tell you my REAL feelings. I deserve more.
To be honest, the touchy-feely nature of this holiday just makes me want to curl into a fetal position and block out all sounds and light. I mean, I have to spend it with the in-laws instead of actually getting a vacation, and grandpa will say the requisite speech about how glad he is we have our health right before wolfing a meal with 15,000,000 grams of saturated fat. We'll no doubt spend the rest of the evening in the emergency department getting his EKG and heart workup just like last Christmas. If we were really grateful for health, we would eat Brussels sprouts for dinner. And who's thankful for that?
At times like these I grit my teeth and remember that for every blessing I have in my life, there's a half dozen I've lost. For every opportunity taken, there were several opportunities irrevocably foregone. For all the triumphs in my life there have been exponential challenges rushing in to temper the headiness and redirect me to the gloom of reality. My life could have been so much better.
So. Thankful? I don't think so. Grateful, shmateful.
P.S. I loved all the beautiful Thanksgiving posts I've read today and over the last several days, and I just didn't know how to measure up. I especially loved the series on this blog and the personal notes on this blog addressed to virtually everyone on the Internet. Have a good one because... well... we're blessed.