Sunday, August 13, 2006

Pressure

Last Friday I put a stat counter on my blog so that I would have a baseline of how many visitors I typically get before the Salt Lake Tribune article was published in Saturday's paper. This didn't work too well since the first time I looked at my stats I had already received traffic referred from the Tribune's site--the online article went up on Friday.

I've watched the flow of visitors on the blog skyrocket and now wane. I feel kind of relieved because there was a certain pressure when I knew hundreds of people would read what I had written. I thought I needed to convey anything I wanted to convey as effectively as possible for this one shot to... what? I think I wanted to let people know I'm not a crazy person and I'm not kidding myself. I wanted to let people know that there are plenty of great people who deal with homosexuality that need love and understanding. I wanted to let someone out there like me know that you shouldn't listen to nay-sayers who think they can tell you what's possible with your life.

But, really, let's be honest. This blog isn't exactly going to win a Pulitzer Prize for its insights and literary quality. It's really about my story, my journey, and my issues. And frankly, I'm kind of sick of the article and the associated speculation about why I got married or why my wife agreed to it or whether we have any real intimacy or whether we have any chance to stay married... I'm ready to move on.

The other side effect of the spotlight that I'm trying to mitigate by writing about it now is the pressure I've felt to change the way I present myself. I find that I don't want to write about how I haven't looked at porn since that post a good while ago, and I don't want to say that I've been feeling particularly tempted. I don't want to get back to the 12 step posts that I intended to write as a workbook of sorts. I don't want people looking at my issues and saying, "See? He's a nut-job. There's no way that marriage is going to work!" In short, some of the personal benefit of the blog has been threatened. I don't care if people write "I told you so!" every time I post on something that I'm struggling with. I'm going to post anyway. And then I'll swear at them.

And so, I'm a little happy that my visitors today are only one fifth what they were a week ago. The pressure (imaginary or real) is relieved, and I'm glad.

6 comments:

Samantha said...

I didn't even KNOW you were going for a Pulitzer (good money in that...).

So from the resident nut-job-crazy-person, I'm glad the pressure's off, I'm glad you got to express to many people, and I'm glad you'll get to do more introspection now.

I'm also impressed that, temptation or not, you went a pretty long time without looking at porn.

However, I think it's sad that your visitors have dropped off before you started swearing again...sigh...you really missed THAT opportunity.

By the way, don't forget, no matter who reads this, no matter what they think...this is YOUR blog--and they can always leave.

Samantha said...

HA!!! I KNEW it was you (stupid total recall...)!!
Here's that comment I asked you about--it's on El V's blog:
-L- said...
As you may know, I'm married. I dated my wife off and on for about 5 years because we loved to be together, but whenever she was pushing for romance, I was looking for a snack in the fridge.

Anonymous said...

I read the article too... I'm 46 and have been married 20 years. I have 5 kids and a very loving, caring wife. She's put up with a lot because of my being gay. Misconceptions have kept me going this long. I'm impressed that you have "laid it out on the table" with your wife from the beginning. I wish you the best. The blessing of family is important and I'm grateful for mine. I love each of them with all my heart. I have felt that acting out (besides being sin...) would also be very selfish. I have come to a different conclusion. I don't think it fair that God forbids one of being able to share the deep emotional ties or bonds that are shared by those who are mutually attracted to one another because they are attracted to their same gender. I have decided that it is selfish, unkind and intolerant for others to expect that because a person has same gender attraction they must sacrifice to keep their natural urges in check.

My situation will change. My loved ones will have to feel the pain caused by my decision to live a congruent life and that hurts me, but the pain I feel now hurts worse.

I'm just telling you how I feel without the expectation that it will influence others in their path. I don't feel like I've lost the battle. I've just come to the realization after my decades of struggles, that it's not a battle worth fighting anymore.

I wish you the best and hope that you will realize all the blessings you hope for. Congratulation on the fortitude and courage used to share your story and life. Good luck!

Scot said...

Oh, now that we know where you are, -L-, us militant gays will be out here, just lurking, waiting for you to slip up.

MWAHAHAHAHA, MWAHAHA [cough, cough] Ha ha.. huh…. [sigh] ;-)

I’ve been thinking about blogging (For the exact two reasons you give! Not to mention the value it may have for my children when they get to the point of wanting insight into their history, and, admittedly, because I’ve a bone to pick with both sides of this fight). But, among others, the concern you express would be mine too. You know what it’s like for your home be constantly scrutinized for flaws because people just *know*, though their superpowers or mind reading and foresight, there is something wrong and impossible about it. It can tint your perspective, and certainly your actions, if you’re not careful. On one hand your anonymity protects you, but only so far, as you, the one speaking out, are taken as a representative of all families like yours.

I do hope you remain 100% candid--I think I’ve learned a lot from these blogs--but I think most would understand either way.

-L- said...

Scot, I am looking forward to reading your blog. Let me know the address when you get it up and running.

Master Fob said...

I must admit, I'm disappointed that my hits have dropped back down. I knew it was going to happen, but still I'm disappointed.