Last Friday I put a stat counter on my blog so that I would have a baseline of how many visitors I typically get before the Salt Lake Tribune article was published in Saturday's paper. This didn't work too well since the first time I looked at my stats I had already received traffic referred from the Tribune's site--the online article went up on Friday.
I've watched the flow of visitors on the blog skyrocket and now wane. I feel kind of relieved because there was a certain pressure when I knew hundreds of people would read what I had written. I thought I needed to convey anything I wanted to convey as effectively as possible for this one shot to... what? I think I wanted to let people know I'm not a crazy person and I'm not kidding myself. I wanted to let people know that there are plenty of great people who deal with homosexuality that need love and understanding. I wanted to let someone out there like me know that you shouldn't listen to nay-sayers who think they can tell you what's possible with your life.
But, really, let's be honest. This blog isn't exactly going to win a Pulitzer Prize for its insights and literary quality. It's really about my story, my journey, and my issues. And frankly, I'm kind of sick of the article and the associated speculation about why I got married or why my wife agreed to it or whether we have any real intimacy or whether we have any chance to stay married... I'm ready to move on.
The other side effect of the spotlight that I'm trying to mitigate by writing about it now is the pressure I've felt to change the way I present myself. I find that I don't want to write about how I haven't looked at porn since that post a good while ago, and I don't want to say that I've been feeling particularly tempted. I don't want to get back to the 12 step posts that I intended to write as a workbook of sorts. I don't want people looking at my issues and saying, "See? He's a nut-job. There's no way that marriage is going to work!" In short, some of the personal benefit of the blog has been threatened. I don't care if people write "I told you so!" every time I post on something that I'm struggling with. I'm going to post anyway. And then I'll swear at them.
And so, I'm a little happy that my visitors today are only one fifth what they were a week ago. The pressure (imaginary or real) is relieved, and I'm glad.