Sunday, July 16, 2006

A Congregation of One, part 8

Landon. That’s who I am. But what part of that identity is necessary? What parts, if taken away would make me cease to be myself? I love my family, and I don’t want to do anything to hurt them or jeopardize the beautiful life we share. We are happy. And that happiness comes from many things, but chief among them is my faith that being married and having children is a situation that will persist outside this world and beyond death—something that I believe is impossible for me in a gay relationship. This decision for myself on how to deliberately address my cognitive dissonance in what I hope is the most honorable way is constantly called into question by life. By family. By peers at school. By yearnings that influence my actions like marionette strings.

And yet, I sit quietly at the back of the gay Mormon congregation. Everyone else may get up and leave. The chapel may fall down around me. But I have the authenticity I seek. The personal insight. The affirmation that what I am doing is acceptable before both myself and God.

Index for A Congregation of One
part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5
part 6
part 7
part 8

6 comments:

Foxx said...

But I have the authenticity I seek. The personal insight. The affirmation that what I am doing is acceptable before both myself and God.

Who could ask for more?

I really enjoy that there can be different answers for different people. That we can each feel for what we ought to do and accomplish it and feel its rightness confirmed. It reinforces the idea that we all are unique and must find and tread our own paths.

-L- said...

Foxx, our perpetual blog discussion of this topic always leaves me feeling like I'm walking a fine line. I agree that personal paths are both necessary and beautiful. But some are still really stupid paths to take. For anyone.

Thanks for the nice comment.

Beck said...

Very nice conclusion to a great series of posts. In many ways we are all "a congregation of one". No one has the exact experiences that I have or that you have. We are unique.

That affirmation of God's love and support and your own acceptance of love and support for the path you are on - is all that matters.

There is a human desire to be accepted and appreciated, to receive confirmation and sympathy from others and to blend and conform to others beliefs. There is a tendency I have to want to know that I'm not alone. These confirmations are important, but can be distracting and even misleading.

In the end, it is ourselves and God that matter. Now, if I can only learn this lesson myself!!!

Kim Mack said...

You'll find as time progresses that it's not a congregation of one after all ... there are others of us staying even if the rest walk out or if the chapel falls down around us. I'll be hanging around, too, because I actually want to, because it brings me true joy.

-L- said...

Kim, I'm so glad you're here. I wrote this piece before finding all my great friends in the blog world (and disciples2). I was indeed feeling pretty alone and it pains me to think there are probably hundreds if not thousands like us who have found no such support.

Kim Mack said...

I wish I could reach them all ...