As I plug along on my blog journey, various people have jumped on and off the ride. I forget sometimes that not everyone has been around for the duration and assume everyone's past the exposition. But, here's a rest stop before continuing the journey to reassess who I am, where I'm at, and where I'm going.
I'm gay. Not bisexual. If you want to dispute this, you have to give me your own definitions of these words since there are plenty to choose from. I'm using, I believe, the most common definitions (based on sexual attraction).
I'm conflicted, troubled, and struggling. There are so many things that I don't understand about the world, about human nature, about what is important and why. I think (aspiring to a Socratic wisdom) that recognizing my ignorance on these matters is a virtue in itself. Having cognitive dissonance over conflicting desires is unpleasant. It's also powerful and interesting. I'm trying to learn enough that I can overcome my struggles in sexuality, but I anticipate struggling to some degree on this issue for my entire life.
I'm happy and reconciled. Merely recognizing the struggle in which I'm engaged, recognizing that it may not end in this life, recognizing that such struggles make life beautifully rich, I've found inexplicable happiness. It's neither through nor despite my struggles, it's just off to the side. It's bound up in my family and my career, in my dreams and my optimism. I've learned that cognitive dissonance need not make me unhappy, but that managing it is an art. I've determined I have experiences sufficient to know the veracity of the LDS church, and puzzling sexual mysteries are insufficient to call the overwhelming evidence and life-long confirmation I've received into question. I'm reconciled not because I have all the answers, but because I'm okay with not having all the answers. I have some. And they are beautiful and hopeful and right.
I have great appreciation for those who share their insights and help me understand. It's a leg-up on the steep crags I sometimes face. I blog because it helps me. I hope it also may help someone else who is looking for a good path, albeit a road less traveled. I do worry sometimes that spending so much time thinking about and writing about this one issue could influence me negatively, so I'm wary as I journey on. For now, I think it's productive and helpful, so I keep moving like those pioneer children. ;-)