Sunday, September 10, 2006

Happy and reconciled

As I plug along on my blog journey, various people have jumped on and off the ride. I forget sometimes that not everyone has been around for the duration and assume everyone's past the exposition. But, here's a rest stop before continuing the journey to reassess who I am, where I'm at, and where I'm going.

I'm gay. Not bisexual. If you want to dispute this, you have to give me your own definitions of these words since there are plenty to choose from. I'm using, I believe, the most common definitions (based on sexual attraction).

I'm conflicted, troubled, and struggling. There are so many things that I don't understand about the world, about human nature, about what is important and why. I think (aspiring to a Socratic wisdom) that recognizing my ignorance on these matters is a virtue in itself. Having cognitive dissonance over conflicting desires is unpleasant. It's also powerful and interesting. I'm trying to learn enough that I can overcome my struggles in sexuality, but I anticipate struggling to some degree on this issue for my entire life.

I'm happy and reconciled. Merely recognizing the struggle in which I'm engaged, recognizing that it may not end in this life, recognizing that such struggles make life beautifully rich, I've found inexplicable happiness. It's neither through nor despite my struggles, it's just off to the side. It's bound up in my family and my career, in my dreams and my optimism. I've learned that cognitive dissonance need not make me unhappy, but that managing it is an art. I've determined I have experiences sufficient to know the veracity of the LDS church, and puzzling sexual mysteries are insufficient to call the overwhelming evidence and life-long confirmation I've received into question. I'm reconciled not because I have all the answers, but because I'm okay with not having all the answers. I have some. And they are beautiful and hopeful and right.

I have great appreciation for those who share their insights and help me understand. It's a leg-up on the steep crags I sometimes face. I blog because it helps me. I hope it also may help someone else who is looking for a good path, albeit a road less traveled. I do worry sometimes that spending so much time thinking about and writing about this one issue could influence me negatively, so I'm wary as I journey on. For now, I think it's productive and helpful, so I keep moving like those pioneer children. ;-)


Anonymous said...

"-L- the gay mormon sang as he blogged, and blogged and blogged...."

have a good Sunday!


Scot said...

I hope you don’t mind so many comments from one guy, but I know I appreciate it. :-)

I bet the bisexual thing wasn’t referring to my comment. But, to be clear, when I said you know what it’s like to be gay for you, I wasn’t questioning you’re being gay.

I just wanted to point out that there are other things, though, that the label doesn’t cover. For example, you, being a father, have an ability other gays I’ve known who’ve married women do not. It’s those sorts of differences that make a similarity in being fully oriented towards men insufficient to know what it’s like to be gay for another. I mean, consider how alien you’re life may seem to a heterosexual woman; even through you’re both androphiles.

Anyway, I apologize if I assume something already cleared up in your past posts. I have been reading them, but know I’ve lost my place here or there.

Anonymous said...

-L-, you have a wonderful way of articulating things that I feel and believe but don't really know how to say. Thanks for an awesome post today.


Anonymous said...

I must say, I share UD sentiments as well as die of laughter from AtP's well appointed Sabbath School song.

I think I'll quietly sings this version while others around me sing the other - At the very least I'll keep myself giggling (oops is that too gay ;-) )
Loyalist (with defects)

-L- said...

ATP, thanks for getting me humming that song all last night. Several patients got an especially cheerful Dr. L.

Scot, I wasn't referring to you specifically. It's something that has come up on occasion (I could point you to an obnoxious comment on a previous post). I'm still not sure I'm convinced there is a distinction of substance between different sorts of gay men. Regardless, we can never know exactly how others feel. That's true.

Udude and Loyalist, thanks for your kind words.

Anonymous said...

L said, "I do worry sometimes that spending so much time thinking about and writing about this one issue could influence me negatively..."

I suppose that if you are blogging instead of reading your kids a good night story or if i'm blogging instead of emailing my kids, then we need to reconsider. but if this helps me keep focussed and is neither exhibitionism nor voyeurism then i'm okay.

there really is strength in numbers.


Taleb Haqq said...

Hey Dr. L
I think once we realize that God is in control then we have reached a great deal of understanding. That is not to say that we don't have the power of doing wrong but realizing that God is in control keeps us focused on making the right decisions.
Good luck with the journey!!!

Anonymous said...

Why didn't I see this post before today? I mean, other than the fact that I've been busy moving and starting a new job this week? At any rate, this is a good one. It makes me happy.