Step 4 calls for a "searching and fearless written inventory of your life." I've read the description several times detailing exactly what this is intended to mean and how to go about doing it, but I'm still at a loss. This blog would be the ideal place to do it, I suppose, if I hadn't connected my real identity with it (for at least a handful of people). Now, I'm afraid I can never quite write things 100% frankly because I'll always be subject to the self-consciousness that is a part of dignified human interaction.
But a searching and fearless life inventory is bound to have many stories, some of which are not inappropriate to share. I guess I'll blog the ones I can and keep quiet the ones I can't. It is a bit of a shame though to leave such an incomplete overall story to make it seem contrived.
My efforts to rid myself of pornography addiction seem pretty closely intertwined with my being gay. They are two separate issues, yes, but in me they seem to be related so intimately I can never quite think of them separately. So, I'm going to try over the next while to remember the things that have happened in my life to make me who I am, how I've reacted to them, what my motivations have been, etc. In figuring it out, I'll be one step closer, and I will presumably have a great deal more personal insight.
One glorious result of completing step 4 is that you take a major step toward freeing yourself from behaviors that defined your past. The reflection of yourself that you will see as you complete this step can inspire you to change the direction of your life if you will let it. Because of the love and grace of the Savior, you do not have to be what you have been. By calling on the Lord for guidance as you examine your life, you will come to recognize your experiences as learning opportunities. You will find that uncovering weaknesses you have suffered with for so long will allow you to move forward to a new life.
1 comment:
I read this post and it is as though I was looking in the mirror. Does that make any sense? I really believe that my addiction to pornography led directly to my acting out. I wish I'd been more invested in the 12-step process. The farther I've been away from pornography, the less "gay" I feel. I still feel very much same-sex attracted, but less gay. I hope that makes some sense.
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