Thursday, March 22, 2007

More sex

In a way, my wife and I are achieving what some think is impossible. We're happily married, we've got a couple cute kids, and we manage to have sex even though I'm stark raving gay. Since I already opened the sex topic a few days back, I figure I might as well put in this little addendum while the subject is already on the table. Again, it's a topic that I approach with some reservation, because where is that line between appropriate and too much information?

Oh, well. I always did live my life as an open book.

The biggest challenge with having straight sex is making it an intimate experience between me and my wife rather than having my mind elsewhere (i.e. thinking about a guy). I could be wrong here, so feel free to argue with me, but I think the issue of intimacy focuses on not only what you do, but what the results are--are you more connected and intimate as a couple afterwards, or just messy? My wife pointed out to me after my last post on sex that I didn't really convey the parallel importance of physical gratification and intimacy--neither should nudge out the other. I mentioned that we love cuddling, but that's not the whole story. There is also that need for just the plain sex, I think.

I recognize that there's a commandment not to lust after anyone but one's spouse. So, there's that. But I want kids and I'm married, and so I'm willing to tolerate pushing some limits temporarily to make things work. And the way it has panned out is that I've thought about guys at certain times while having sex. This seems sort of pathetic, I grant, but it seemed requisite to achieve sex at all at first. It has become less so over time.

I haven't brought it up before despite that people kept saying "you must be bisexual if you're able to have sex with a woman." Folks, I'm really not. Or wasn't. Even now, I have some pretty good data to suggest that for all the progress I've made in being adequately turned on during intimate experiences with my wife, my responses are far more potent with guys.

Anyway, my point here is not to ruminate on my ambivalence and confusion on that topic. My point is to say that the raw physical component of sex is kind of important for a couple. The cuddling type of intimacy and pillow talk are great too. Neither should be the whole story or at the perpetual expense of the other.


Wayward Son said...

I've appreciated your tasteful treatment of this topic. I feel like you've touched on a lot of things I've been curious about.


Stephalumpagus said...

Me too. Thanks for your posts.

salad said...

You are one of my favorite people to read! I really appreciate the way you've approached this topic and it gives me lots to ponder on.

Thanks for being willing to be open and honest and tasteful at the same time.

SG said...

As another SGA, happily married father, I'll add my "AMEN" to what you've said.

It can be done. It isn't always easy, especially to keep one's thoughts where they should be. But it's worth it.

Thanks for stating it so well for all of us who share the same cruise ship as you.

Mormon Enigma said...

My wife pointed out to me after my last post...

Your wife reads your blog? And, in your blog, you are telling the world about your sex life? And then she comes back with suggestions for things you needed to address? Wow!!! Maybe you've explained your situation before, but it just hit me (I'm kind of slow sometimes). I'm impressed. No, I'm very very impressed.

-L- said...

Maybe that puts my rant on your blog into perspective (the one not long ago where I was talking about all the married bloggers who wanted to be out to the world, but not fully disclose everything to their wife).

I really do think being so open about things has been amazingly good for me. My wife is unusually supportive and understanding. I can't even begin to tell you how great she is.