Content

Not so cranky anymore.

As I've experienced a million times, a few hours of sleep puts an amazing distance between me and my crankiness. And, as I suspected, I felt more embarrassment about airing my pity party than anything else. Just thought I'd let you know in case anyone's been praying for me. You have, right? Right? ;-)

I love sitting in sacrament meeting and getting that peaceful feeling that everything will be okay. Even though the world is filled with injustices and hypocrisy and bigotry, it's worth having hope and optimism. The hymn in my ward today made me cry. You've probably never heard it before:

Come, come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear;
But with joy, wend your way.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
’Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell
All is well! All is well!

It really is, you know. All is well.

Cranky

Things are pretty good for me these days, and I love my job. My family is doing so well, too, that I keep being tempted to post photos of how great they are.

Unfortunately, though, my recent travels online have really bummed me out. For one thing, I get irritated by national news outlets with some regularity. The bias is not something I notice most of the time, but lately it seems like everything is slanted and ridiculous. Michael Moore irritates me for taking a completely important topic and presenting it as sneaky half-truth that will leave some doubting the issue is even worth consideration and others over-stating the facts. But I suppose such disingenuous presentation of the issues isn't limited to the big boys.

I've been offended by things lately that shouldn't really offend me. I think it's because I have less tolerance when people should really know better. It's like I can give large leeway to someone I know virtually nothing about, but I can't help but get emotionally volatile in response to someone who I know has had all the advantages and opportunities for insight but ends up solid in their determination to be a closed-minded bigot (exalted in their self-importance and moral superiority, of course).

I'm also bummed about Northern Lights recently. While I think it's doing fine overall, the little things agitate me. They're all subtle, and so it's hard to pin them down, but I get the sense that it's viewed as "the establishment" rather than what it is: a collection of people talking about stuff in a protected/uplifting way. You know, like every other blog, just with some rules.

Could be I get bogged down by the little things because of my own struggles. The constant ebb and flow of feeling elated and set back never seems to stop. So, this could just be low tide.

Throw on top of all that that I feel lonely sometimes... despite having a lot of great friends. I guess it's just having people who you thought were your friend end up not caring for you in the least that ends up being hard. It doesn't matter that there are really nice folks willing to be there for me at any time I need, I still find rejection by others to be a big fat downer. I suppose that's life.

And now that I've made my blog into an adolescent journal, I'm done for now. :-)

Mini-meme

Here are the rules.
Here are the random 8:

1. I recently learned that I type over 90 wpm with 100% accuracy. Sweet. (Also, highly valuable these days!)
2. In the last 5 years I've visited every big church history site in the country... pretty much.
3. I've worked for EFY, BSA, BYU, MS, and AT&T.
4. I have several interesting hobbies... that I can't tell you about because then I would have to kill you (man, writing a meme anonymously is hard work). Okay, okay: gardening, music, blogging (shocker), programming, photography, art, and lusting after electronics.
5. Today I saw a person's back from the front (as in, during surgery after his guts had been tucked out of the way)
6. I've made lobbying trips to Washington D.C. every year for the last three years. Yet I know virtually nothing about politics.
7. If you Google me (my real name) you'll find some pretty interesting people: a horticulturalist, a football player, and a technical manager in San Francisco. These are not me (although I do show up).
8. I've been on TV a few times, but only once as a pundit. :-)

Never been tagged for one of these before. Weird. But now I feel loved. Thanks Kengo.

Let's see

I'm so behind on my blogging... and there are so many topics that have been knocking around in my head waiting to come out. But time is short and it's busy busy busy at the -L- residence. Or the -L- secret lair, if you prefer the comic theme.

Speaking of which, I can't quite recommend doing a search for gay comic book characters (what with having come across a few not-so-appropriate ones myself), but Northstar seems like a good upstanding kid, and the first out character in comics, from what I read.

Now, if only Marvel wants to license me as a gay super hero... my Mormon powers could do the universe a lot of good, I'd say.

Journaling

Blogging, apparently, isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be in terms of personal journaling. It is pretty great, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t have the same feeling as writing in a personal journal on the computer. On my computer, for years I’ve written my inner-most thoughts with very little (if any) regard for how they might be interpreted by others. When I blog, I write for an audience. I always keep the reader mind—trying to remember the most entertaining anecdotes, the cleverest ways of putting things. I think I do this even while trying to convince myself that I don't. I suppose there’s a value to both approaches. If I were someone reading a personal history, I’d want one that had been tailored to be relevant and succinct, not the meanderings of a bothered mind (as my computer journal entries tend to be).

The other issue I’ve been dealing with is the evolving multiplicity of places where I record my thoughts. I have a family blog, a personal blog, several group blogs, an anonymous blog, and a private blog (online but password protected). All those places tend to get confused, and while I have what seems to be a good reason for each of those places existing, sometimes just sorting out what goes where seems to take more effort than I want to put forward, so I just don’t write anything at all.

Over time, blogging seems to have become just a de facto part of what I do--how I make sense of life. Currently, time limits what I can do. And, for that matter, I don't find I need the therapeutic outlet right now that I have at other times. But it's there, and I'm glad. And so is the computerized journal. With the all the places for outlet, with all the friends-both online and off, it's a system I'll keep.

Imagined

My boy: What's the pride parade for?
Me: Well, it's a celebration for gay people, I guess.
My boy: Why is it called "pride" parade?
Me: Rather than be ashamed of being gay, people want to show that they have nothing to hide and that they're all the way on the other end of the scale and proud of who they are.
My boy: Are you proud of being gay?
Me: Well, no. I decided a long time ago that there's nothing to be ashamed of in who I'm attracted to. It's not something I consciously do, so I can't take the blame or the credit for it. And I think that applies in the other direction too. Being gay isn't something to be proud of, for me, it just is.