Saturday, August 07, 2010

An update for anon

My last post got a comment from an anonymous writer who says we have a lot in common. He asked for an update, and I realized that I haven't really written anything about myself in ages. There have been a few rants (and I feel one boiling up about the latest prop 8 ruling, even as I type), but this blog is supposed to be about *my* journey and it hasn't been much of that for a long while.

I'm a lot less ardent than I used to be. There are many reasons for that, but I'm still a little ashamed to admit it. I was raised to be ardent, and I've been active and faithful my whole life. But lately I've been feeling some laziness in my spirituality. I don't read the scriptures often and I seldom pray other than at meals and church. Our FHEs are sporadic and lame. I home teach still and enjoy it for what it is, and I still attend church and do a good job with my calling... but I've lost my spiritual moxie.

It would be an easy matter to set aside my faith and move on with life, if that's what I thought was best. But I've decided to believe and specifically decided that the alternative is not for me. So, I see my current lukewarmness as a bump on the road. Something that will pass eventually.

As general commentary, I've also always told myself that when I'm not living the gospel fully, I will never make judgments about its value. I stick by that, and so I'm in no state to shuffle through the tired arguments as to why the church doesn't "make sense" or why the historicity of the scriptures can't possibly be right, etc.

Having said all that, my marriage is as strong as ever... stronger? We love and cherish each other and I don't think I could face the world without her. Sex sucks. Or comparatively, anyway. I'll be honest about that... it's not all I would get were I to go after what my body responds to best. But, my life, my family, my ambitions... are all about a lot more than getting the best sex.

If I were to fall in love with and make love to a guy, as you have done, anon, I suspect my happy life would be shattered. So, I feel for your current challenge. You're in command of your own fate, so I'll decline to speculate on where your marriage will go from here, but I wish you the best in any case.

That brings to mind one of the things that makes my wife and I so close. She has told me more than once that she wants me to be happy. She's willing to divorce me and let me move along if that's what I think it would take as a gay man. Ironically, it's that willingness to give me up out of love that makes me love her and want to keep her forever.

Making one's way through this maze of life, there are many unexpected twists and turns. I'm going to try to avoid dispensing foolproof advice, recognizing that there are so many nuances that we can never even communicate to others. But, for me, trusting in God has led me to a place that is happy, and remains happy, even without God. Or, more accurately, God is here waiting in the wings until I figure out this current puzzle of faith, but I couldn't be where I'm at without His help getting here regardless of where my faith goes from here.


Mormon Guy said...

Hey - just keep living and moving forward. You can do it. Read your scriptures, find more meaning to your prayers, share the gospel with the people around you.

I did a lot of thinking about love in my own life this last week. After talking with friends and writing more than I care to admit, I think I understand it better. At least from what I understand, love, like the love you feel for your wife and she for you, is so much more sublime than anything the world imagines.

Beck said...

Nice to know that after reading your words now 4+ years, I still find your perspective resonating with mine. I only miss your comments and updates and input and insights that once were more frequent.

Glad you're well and still kickin' and finding happiness along the way.

Ned said...

What Beck said, plus this. I'm glad that you're apparently so busy and involved with your life, love and work that you don't write here much. I mean personally I would like to read you more, but if it is a choice between you living the best life you can or you writing a great blog while your life kind of falls apart, well I'm glad you're doing what you doing. However, in my idealistic view of the world, you could do both. You could do work, love you wife and kids, read your scriptures and have meaningful prayer AND show up here a little more often. After all your voice, and mine, and Beck's and a few others are pretty much a minority within a minority within a minority. That's OK, but it is a little lonely sometimes. Thanks for dropping in.

J G-W said...

I appreciate the realness. It's nice to hear from you. I find I do miss you.

Sometimes we need the empty spaces -- the spiritually desert spaces -- to sort things out, reprioritize, or prepare for a new phase of the journey. Waiting patiently is an important spiritual gift sometimes too.

Anonymous said...

Just look at those kids of yours--you could never have produced them with another man.

Life has come from the relationship you have with your wife. Life is what you give to your kids as a father. That is the greatest manliness, not having sex with another man.

So, nature screwed up. It often does with all of us one way or another, but you are lucky to have been able to give life and to sustain it.

And, that you desired to give life is God's gift to you.