Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Penis enlargement

If you've been online once or twice in the last year, you've probably seen advertisements for free ipods, free computers, free plasma TVs... etc. If you've been too skeptical to click on the ad to see what the catch is, let me give you the 411. You have to sign up for a bunch of crap you don't want and take a "survey" that is nothing more than blatant forced marketing. If you properly jump through all the hoops, wait long enough for credit, don't lose the address of the website where you signed up, and the company hasn't completely screwed you by changing the terms and conditions of your participation by the time you finish the hoop jumping, you'll get the freebie.

I gave it a try and several months later found myself short on completed offers. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I needed only one more offer, and then it appeared--the promise of male enhancement in a little blue pill. Not the blue pill (Viagra), mind you, just an herbal wannabe with no FDA approval for any indication--almost certainly good for nothing except padding the wallets of greedy men who prey on the insecurities of small-penised men everywhere.

It was presented as a combination of everything good about the Internet: free, private, and a guaranteed instantly enormous penis that would change your life. I needed one more offer and it was the cheapest one. It seemed a matter of economy to go ahead and do it. I had to. And... just maybe, I thought.

This is the type of thing I feel guilty about. Not for anything I did--I wasn't even planning to use the stuff at first, just throw it away--but for supporting a company that is everything I hate. Trotting out their testimonials and "science" to prove what hasn't been proven. Making promises that are ridiculous on their face. Reinforcing the idea that men need to fit a ridiculous caricature of a body type... (this is sounding like an anti-Barbie tirade). I hate that "herbals" get a pass from the government to make all sorts of ridiculous claims and then have no regulation to ensure that they are produced with any kind of safety or that they actually do what they say they do. Herbal supplements can be good, but they CAN also kill you since their quality, safety, and efficacy are all just a shot in the dark.

Despite it all, the risks didn't seem so great when I sat there holding the pills and considered the possibilities (however remote). So I tried it. And, guess what? They didn't really make any noticeable difference. But, if you really want to give it a shot, I still have most of those little blue pills left. As for me... there's always surgery.

7 comments:

My Best Is All I Have said...

As soon as you find the surgery that works the best, let me know.

My Best Is All I Have said...

Not that I need it. Umm, I have this friend that asked me about it once....

Samantha said...

I know you just posted this so that you'd get more search traffic.

What would happen if I took the pills? I'm asking your professional opinion, of course, not your mind in the gutter opinion.

drex said...

lol Samantha. xD

It's the new get-rich-quick. Get-huge-quick schemes to play on insecurities of men everywhere. Especially porn-watching men that have a skewed perspective of average penis size. :P

I'll decide where I stand on it when I have something to do with it.

Master Fob said...

L, you are a funny, funny man.

Laura said...

Weird, I was doing a Google search for "penis" and look what I found! (Actually my Google searches involve how to AVOID said appendage.)

Viagra is said to help women with their libido as well, so yeah - what would your herbals do for women? If I like your answer, I'll send you my address.

-L- said...

Maybe stave off menopause? Decrease those hot flashes? Sub in for black cohosh? Who can say? All I know is that for all its effectiveness it could have been a pretty little blue placebo.