Way overdue.

This blog has been important in my life, but I think most of that has been in the past. I'm pretty well reconciled with all the topics I've blogged about, and for those areas where I still feel confusion and ambivalence... well, at least it's well defined confusion and ambivalence. :-)

My son and daughter continue to grow up before my very eyes. Yesterday they both disappeared for a while and I had my suspicions they were into some mischief. A few minutes later they both came barreling in to the room where my wife and I were sitting and shoved little containers of applesauce into our hands to be opened. They tried to sneak it but realized they couldn't open it without our help and reconsidered their tactics.

The fact that I'm as gay as ever (gayer?) and still living the all-American dream gives me conflicting feelings. On the one hand, I want to speak out against the nay-sayers who yell and scream that it's an illusion, that such a situation never happens, that it's impossible. I want to speak out and tell people that I've been in shoes very similar to every gay person I hear--doubting the church, questioning my self worth, feeling suicidal, being overcome with an overwhelming sense of unfairness and unending conflict. I want to speak out and say that the church is true and that there are miracles to be had, if we will only listen and obey.

On the other hand, I want to shut up and let it all play out on its own. I'm sort of sick of writing about tolerance, explaining misunderstandings, and promoting more thoughtful and considerate dialog. My efforts have been met with some really ornery people who don't care in the least about what I have to say, only that it appears on the surface to disagree with their own views, so the gloves come off and the punches start flying. These people are plentiful and insistent, and it's just not worth it to try to convince them of the reality I live in. There's a lot of joy to be had in the church, and no amount of insults and rancor can convince me that my wife and my two children are not worth every sacrifice I've made (and for that matter, many that I haven't). And no amount of gnashing teeth will convince me that someone who hasn't made those same sacrifices needs or deserves concessions from me in the form of some fatalistic assessment of what they need to be happy or fulfilled or what their "rights" have to be.

So I've just been a fence sitter. I try to avoid those who want to engage only to foist their bigoted selves onto a soap box. I walk away from that and build a castle with my son instead. But I do see many who are learning about this and looking for truth. So I keep blogging (although mostly at Northern Lights now).

For better or worse, that's my update. It's long overdue, I know.

But you can rest assured that as I learn new things I'll be writing about it.

A Legal Question

Just read this article and I have a question for the legal minds out there.

Why does stabbing someone to death, decapitating them and flashing the head around to other people, then eating the corpse's flesh qualify as SECOND degree murder?

Update

What's to tell? There are a million things that I could blog about in my life right now. How amazing my children are (the stories could be endless), the patience and incredible capacity of my wife, my job, my progress. But, unfortunately, time is always so short.

I get a few e-mails a month asking about myself, and I appreciate that gesture of friendship. I suppose it would be a better use of time to just blog more to keep people updated. For those who have written recently to ask me specifically about how I keep things together with my family, reparative therapy, or general gay topics, I'm sorry I haven't had a lot of time to respond. One trick is that I've written quite a bit about these things before and so there's quite a bit to read from the archive if you are interested.

Sorry for the boring post. But, you know. Gotta get to the ward party today and then... well there's plenty of other stuff I've been putting off until today too. :-) Best wishes to all.

Not just a margin

For better or for worse, I'm coming here to feel sorry for myself. I'm that guy. The one that has everything when you look in from the outside. We've got the little family of four, the cute little house and dog, the great career and graduate program between the two of us, and all our health.

But I feel tormented far more than I have any right to feel, I suppose. But does one have to earn their torment? Or does its existence serve as automatic legitimization?

Today I feel on the margin of a margin of a margin. I'm in a minority field of medicine, often unappreciated. I'm in minority situation in my department. I'm a minority within the church in my understanding of gay related issues. I'm definitely in a minority among gays in my empathy for the church. Couldn't I, for once in my life, be surrounded by crowds of people that get me? Get it? Get anything?

Basically, today I feel like there's nobody that understands. Perhaps my wife, and that's it. And that makes me feel all the better that I have her and that I'm not in a different circumstance right now. And that makes me sad that so many other people don't or won't believe such a thing can happen. But then, can it? Or am I just an anomaly--an outlier there too?

It's as if I've spent a lot of effort trying to bridge gaps and shed light where people have closed themselves off, but in the process I've put myself too far into the minds of others and made myself inaccessible to my self. I haven't pulled off the insight I need to peacefully be at one with the majorities in every part of my life. I guess I don't know how to do it. Or, I need to humble myself to try something new.

Mere Meme

JGW tagged me (finally someone did ;-)).

Here are the instructions.

1. Pick up the nearest book (at least 123 pages).
2. Turn to page 123.
3. Find the 5th sentence
4. Post the 5th sentence on your blog.
5. Tag 5 people.

"But what does puzzle people---at least it used to puzzle me---is the fact that Christians regard faith in this sense as a virtue."

C.S.Lewis, Mere Christianity. It's actually a really interesting paragraph (and somewhat appropriate to the things I've read of late). He follows by saying:

I used to ask how on earth it can be a virtue--what is there moral or immoral about believing or not believing a set of statements? Obviously, I used to say, a sane man accepts or rejects any statement, not because he wants or does not want to, but because the evidence seems to him good or bad. If he were mistaken about the goodness or badness of the evidence that would not mean he was a bad man, but only that he was not very clever. And if he thought the evidence bad but tried to force himself to believe in spite of it, that would be merely stupid.

Ah, Lewis. Love his guts. I tag FRM, playa, Craig, ATP, and John Galt.

Changing... changing... changing... same.

For old times sake I did a little "rounding" on the moho blogs this evening. It turns out everything's changed, and yet everything's just the same. There were a bunch of commenters I'd never heard of and never talked to. Bloggers too. But, the topics were the same, more or less. The occasional ironies: vitriol from some sides, the over-reactions, the banding together in defensive victimhood while disparaging those "other guys" in a manner that is completely intolerant.

Sometimes I just feel like people choose a role and move through the motions without even realizing they're doing it. The young gay who feels liberated as he questions authority. The married gay who considers walking away from the life he's built to search for an upgrade. The depressed blogger who manages to create something beautiful and artful and poetic in articulating the struggle of life.

It makes me wonder what role I'm in right now? The sanctimonious, overly self-assured churchy guy? [Yes, I know that's how I'm frequently seen, but it's part of the piety to be in denial, I suppose.] Am I in the calm before the storm--the guy whose life is perfect right before falling apart? Am I to the point where everything is boring because I've pretty much solidified my biases and don't have enough time for online friends?

I dunno. I'm still on a journey. Not sure I can fully appreciate the birds' eye view. But, I'm still truckin'. And trying to refrain from tapping on the restroom floor of the truck stop. :-)

My Lucky Day

I like St. Paddy's day. Green is my favorite color, after all. And little leprechaun dudes make me happy. Gold too. Candy too. And those were all involved in the day in one way or another.

I need days like today to remind me how lucky I am. Birds chirping, hinting that winter is coming to a close. A good job that I love and that provides for my family. Calzones...

I hope nobody pinches me so I wake up in a different life. ;-)

Odd things

I remember in college chatting online (or through e-mail? I think chatting wasn't as popular back then) with a gay guy that FRM (my wife) was great friends with in high school. It was a novelty experience for me. Here was an actual out-in-the-public gay guy who would be open with me about it. At the time I was anything but out, so I had to have cover for why I wanted to be best friends with her old buddy, but I came up with something convincing. Okay, maybe this was one of many reasons she suspected I was gay, I dunno.

The interesting thing is to reflect about how few openly gay people I've known and/or talked to face-to-face about being gay. There were several guys I suspected of being gay in high school, but none of them were out. It just wasn't done in rural Utah at that time.

Fast forward a decade and I found an old high school friend of mine posting up a storm on a faithful gay Mormon message board. We were great friends back then and we never knew we had this in common. We still don't, actually, because he freaked out when I e-mailed him privately and he never responded. I think he might have thought I was hitting on him or something. Anyhoo...

At BYU the pressure to be in the closet was pretty similar. All you mohos who hang around together now... that's just incomprehensible to me. There were probably homos having private meetings at BYU while I was there, but not mohos, if you catch my meaning. So, another serendipitous find after blogging a bit is that a friend of mine who I worked closely with in Youth and Family Programs is gay. Like my old high school friend, he's still living the gospel and doing well, from all reports.

And that brings me up to date. Well, almost anyway. A few weeks back I found out one of my mission companions is gay. It was through the blogs I found this out, of course. We've mailed a couple times since then to catch up, but I'm a bad one to stay in touch with people. For whatever reason, I don't do reunions, Christmas cards, or keep in touch with people I love very well. Parents? Haven't seen 'em in forever. Siblings? Could be dead. Who knows?

Anyway, just thought I'd share the evidence from my life that society (and Mormon society in particular) is becoming more open and accepting of people like me. And, my old mission companion, coworker from BYU, and friend from high school, are all success stories of living the gospel and quietly moving on with life after coming to grips with the reality of their sexuality. I'm glad for the examples and the reassurance these odd findings bring me.

Update from Hel-L-

Residency is hard. Last year was a cake walk compared to this year. So, there hasn't been much time for blogging. I hope everyone is happy and good.

:-)

My family is doing well, thanks for asking. The kids are happy and cute and amazingly smart. The Mrs. is even MORE happy, cute, and amazingly smart, somehow.

As far as gay issues go, I'm in a pretty happy place. Still ardently gay and ardently Mormon. And by ardently gay, I mean I see guys all the time that catch my eye. But, I couldn't be happier than I am (and I mean that quite literally).

In a few weeks it will be my blog anniversary, and it's sort of amazing for me to reflect on where I've been and where I am, where other people I've met have been and where they're at. It's all quite a testament to the gospel, really. I went from hundreds of posts in year to less than one a month lately, and I suppose that's just a part of life... moving on to new experiences. But, if there's anything I can do or say to help anyone out, let me know.

All the best!!

-L-

Since last we spoke...

I'm disenchanted with blogging. But maybe that word has too negative a connotation for what I'm trying to convey. The fact is, I used to be enchanted with blogging, but now it's just there. I take and leave it now with more indifference than before. Disenchanted.

When Northern Lights got off the ground, I thought I would put the more philosophical posts there and put the more biographical ones here, but there hasn't been much biographical to say, really. I've kept my identity private so that I can work through the challenges in my life in a forum of sorts, without all the unpleasantness of people getting personal and interjecting their judgments into my personal life. You can hate me or love me online all you like, but I'd rather keep my family out of it. Using a pseudonym has been the only way I could think of to do that, and now the anonymity is pretty much gone. In case you missed it, a person with no decency publicly posted my real identity. So, no more astonishingly candid posts. Sorry. It's just a part of life that someone always comes along and ruins it for everyone else. (Also, sorry to those who had to wait 3 weeks for me to approve my newly moderated comments!)

Having said that, MOST of the people who read this blog and subscribe to the comments are very decent folks. To that subset I offer my earnest request that you keep my identity to yourselves, if you ever happen to learn it. I've become quite comfortable with who I am and what I believe, but the people in my life who will be affected by an intolerant society have requested that I keep my online activities anonymous. So, please support that.

I was mulling whether and how to write about Step 7: Humility. But this post came out instead. I'll write on that next time.

Relationships

Good relationships define a life. Bad ones too. I'm working on my relationship with my blogs (both those I write and those I read) because, well, we've had somewhat of a falling out.

I knew what sophistry was before seeing it in living deceptive color, but I never expected it to come knocking on my door so persistently and craftily as it has since I started blogging. For a long time I thought it wasn't really fair to call it sophistry either, believing that people just believe different things and genuinely only try to persuade others in good faith, even when it may seem so diabolical to the over-sensitive. But now I'm convinced that there are folks who just plain believe scoring cleverness points is worth nearly any price, especially if it seems like a means to an appealing end and sacrifices only a few tender sensibilities along the way (anyone's and everyone's, that is).

So, we've been on a break.

But I have high hopes that we'll come around. A relationship is what you make it, after all. I've seen a number of failed relationships, and they're often mis-attributed. Failed relationships with a spouse, failed relationships with a church, failed relationships with God. In great epiphanies of insight, blame is placed, and usually squarely away from one's self.

So, blogs, I'll make you a deal. Maybe I'll post once in a while if things can go back to a happy place where we work together not to go crazy. You get rid of all the sophists (or at least get them to be less prolific) and I'll accept my responsibility for being overly sensitive that people are so stupid.

Salacious me

After Beck took my last post personally, but before the ensuing satire and commentary on people being over-sensitive, I wrote to Beck privately and offered this assessment of the issue:

...It's really hard to know how to interact with other people, because the blogs tend to get so argumentative. For better or worse, people jump all over themselves to protect friends from other friends, to take sides. It's tiring to me.

When it's about pointing fingers and accusations and blame, it's perfectly understandable to feel attacked and defensive. I don't mind admitting that the way I wrote the post was borderline snarky, and the comments were edgy too. Bringing up "covenants" was relevant, but not tastefully approached. It came across as manipulative (if not accusatory).

And, for that matter, I'm guilty of being salacious on my blog myself. I known this. I don't deny it. But, I recognized a while back that it wasn't really right, even though people seemed to enjoy the humor and explicitness. I was one of the first to justify such use of edgy expression, and now I've started to see what kind of an impact it can have.

As much as I want to believe that I'm a grown-up and I can discuss adult things with other adults and can't be expected to censor and edit for every reader who comes along, I've heard complaints from real people that it has been disappointing and hurtful. In my less prideful moments I admit that church leaders have counseled on this very topic, and letting virtue garnish my thoughts unceasingly doesn't apply to some of my past approaches.

I knew it wouldn't fly to just guilt people into not using erotic pictures (despite that it appears to many that that's what I'm trying to do), but I thought a personal appeal from a long-time reader who has genuine interest in visiting your blog might persuade you and others to accommodate me. For many of us, blogging is a personal journey AND a way to encourage and uplift others. To the extent there's a community and resulting awareness of influencing others, it seems a reasonable thing to look at.

I know you've already said you will be mindful of me it may seem like I'm just beating a dead horse. I just want you to understand where I'm coming from and that I don't look down on you or hold myself blameless or anything like that...

In the words of a close friend, "I just laugh thinking about defensive, bitchy homos jumping up to defend one another." Well, hopefully we all got a good chuckle out of it. And, I will probably continue to try to carpet the world, if I think it's a good thing to do. Hmmm... maybe red shag...

Showing skin

I would personally appreciate it if people wouldn't post pictures of hot guys on their blogs. Yes, yes, I've heard all the disclaimers to the effect, "My blog is for ME and if you don't like it, then you can just DIE!!!" On the other hand, there's an ongoing subtext in this part of the blog world of community, and of supporting others. And I'm left asking myself why people feel the need to post semi-erotic pictures in the first place.

In case you missed it, I have a little porn problem. I know, I've been so coy and indirect on that subject, that only the most astute have probably figured it out. My triggers are many, but among them are hot guys that ostensibly aren't pornographic. I convince myself it's not a problem to look at such things, but such looking always leads to more looking and more perseverating on what I want but can't have. This is never a good thing for me.

I also wonder how long it takes a guy to find just the right photo for a given post. You'll notice I've never really gone down that road--I keep my picture posting on my family blog and it's generally little cherub faces of my kids. And, really, I'd rather the dialog on this blog be the draw rather than the illustrations. If every time I wanted to post I started surfing for that perfect shot that captured everything homo and angsty about my life, I'd just end up looking at butts all afternoon. Anyone care to comment on how long it takes to find that perfect shot? Just curious. I know for me it would be longer.

I realize this might be ignored by many, and probably incite some anger and irritability in others. But, because I believe people want to be helpful rather than hurtful, and I believe people aren't too proud to admit that the gratuitous hotness and skin is unnecessary, I'm making the request all the same: please keep your pictures Sunday School appropriate (and then some).

The little edge of laziness

There was a time when I would be very diplomatic in the way I interacted on the blogs. Even with people I had little respect for, I would find the patience to quell the snarky quibbles that came immediately to mind in favor of a more friendly tone. That wasn't always the case, but usually.

So, now what happened?

I no longer have time to read any blogs it seems (if I start going through my reader I'll never be able to stop). And in the few cases that nice, well-intended people have bantered around on NL, I end up just snapping back. [sigh]

I think it's just laziness, and I apologize. Most recently to Kalvin, who made me realize how snappy and lazy I've become in my replies.

Oh well.

Maybe I like being lazy.

HGTV

I watch HGTV a lot. Pretty much, all the time. I suppose I'm in that demographic they cater to in a lot of ways. We're young, starting a new family, and open to lots of creative ideas on how to save, design, etc.

Recently, I've noticed that pretty much 90% of the guys on that show are gay (or appear to be). I don't really have much to say about that. I guess I just feel like I fit right in. :-)

Surrounded

As a resident, I'm supervised by an attending. He's gay. He knows I'm Mormon (although I have no idea how), and I think when he first introduced his partner he was wondering how I would respond. I think the fact that I took it all completely in stride is why he now feels comfortable talking about the church and/or gay topics without caution, and I'm glad.

On the other hand, my closest neighbors are gay too. I don't know them as well and I think they may wonder whether I've "put things together". I wonder whether they've put it together that I'm Mormon as I cart my little family to church every Sunday. The problem is, if these things never come up in the across-the-fence chats we have, how will they ever realize that I'm not what they may think I am?

I had a neighbor not long ago whose front door was inches from our own, and he had calendar boys over to spend the night all the time (frankly, I don't know how he reeled them in!), but we never did get around to making it clear that we're fine with him living his life the way he wants, so I think he just assumed we were bigoted Mormons. We lived near him long enough (and parked near enough) that there's no way he could have missed the LDS trappings over time.

There are several other gay guys in the office besides my attending who I haven't had the chance to get to know personally. I don't want to miss out on good friendships with neighbors or coworkers because of a misunderstanding of what I might believe about gay people, but I also don't know how to say, "So... you're gay, I'm Mormon, and I'm totally fine with that. Any questions?"

Doing yourself violence

An interesting comment from a therapist who works with families shattered with domestic violence has got me pensive. Apparently, my blog and the comments therein contain all the familiar verbiage. I'm not sure what this means, but I've noted the assessment is not a favorable one.

Came across your blog recently. Not LDS here. I'm a therapist that works with families affected by domestic violence, (broadly defined to include not only physical but psychological and emotional abuse.) I found myself drawn in recognizing posting after posting echoed the voices I hear daily in my practice. The voices of the abused trying to make sense of abusive relationships. Why do we stay in relationships that love us back so poorly? Beliefs. About self, about relationships, about God and the nature of Divine Love. Eerily, I have heard echoes of the comments I find in your blog coming from the victims with swollen lips and eyes nearly blinded by the abuser. "I know he loves me, I just need to be a better person." Yikes!! I could parallel any number of these comments similarly to the sad, sad mental contortions people make to live in abusive relationships. What is it but abuse to call someone an abomination?

And, as you may know, if you know me at all, I'm prone to apologetics when I'm not given a favorable assessment. ;-)

Truth is, I've had my share of swollen lips and eyes nearly blinded by an abuser. But the abuser has never been my faith or my family. The abuser has been pornography. Why do I go back, I wonder? Happily, I haven't gone back for quite some time. Maybe those 12 steps are paying off. Maybe my new found accountability system is working. Maybe I've parted ways with my abuser after all this time of dependence and humiliation.

As for the comments on this blog, many of them reflect places I've been on my journey. I see their views as views to defend as my own. I don't agree with them, necessarily, but I sympathize with the value of struggling through the issues; I know the importance of fighting the good fight, keeping the faith.

On the other hand, larger parts of my fight seem to be winding down, and it's odd to me that the commenter seems not to see it. I've felt more and more like blogging is a chore. It's not that I don't have anything to say; I still get ideas all the time for interesting ways to discuss relevant topics. But it has become so progressively less of an issue in my life that it feels at times distracting to revisit it. That's not to say that I've passed some wondrous benchmark of progress, because I cycle through these issues all the time, and it's too early to say how the long-term prospects look. But it is to say that I can understand how many people who have "overcome" SSA don't spend a lot of time debating the issue... because more than ever before I can believe that I may soon be one of them.

However, now that I've said that I feel dramatic and manipulative. It's not that I'm trying to get lots of comments telling me that I'm important and have important things to say. I believe there ought to be folks speaking up whose lives defy conventional wisdom, and I'm fairly certain I'll be trying to be one of them for a good while yet. And in so doing, I'll try to comfort those who stand in need of comfort, those who have been done violence by evils in the world (whether sophistry, pornography, intolerance, actual abuse, or whatever), and defend the source of truth and peace from being mischaracterized as an abuser.

Don't let me distract you

A while back I felt some comfort believing that a lot of people came to my blog and were interested in what I had to say. Then... life got busy. Well, it turns out that now that I've posted once in the last month, I still have the same number of daily visitors as before. Do I think that 178 people visited this blog yesterday to re-read my Step 6 post? No. You're here for the sidebar feed and probably always have been. I see how it is. Well, don't let me slow you down with my rambling here. Go on. Go read the goodies from around the queerosphere!

Regardless, just for FOB, I'm going to keep posting here anyway.

Step 6: Change of Heart

KEY PRINCIPLE: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.

During a recent priesthood lesson on integrity, I opened a can of worms into the discussion by bringing up online file sharing and piracy. I'm guessing that mohos who blog fit well into the category of those who would be tempted to do some online file sharing. They're techno-savvy, often musically inclined, etc.

I had a technology industry job once where my coworkers were extremely capable at... well, hacking. They had a good time breaking into the county courthouse's network to find out which of our coworkers and superiors had been arrested and why. Ok, that's a little off-topic, but the memories... Anyway, we also had a large library of illegally copied software, music, and movies going around. I've always gone through cycles with such things--indulging and then deleting it all in a fit of remorse... only to start doing it again later.

Enter: step 6.

It's not just about pornography anymore. [That's happily in part because I haven't been nearly as tempted with it lately. But, I'm sure there will be times of extreme temptation down the road at some point, so I continue with the steps.] Having a changed heart extends its influence past that issue to every issue of my life. Do I want what God wants? I need to desire not just to avoid copied music and pornography and... whatever the case may be... but I need to actually lose the desire to return to them.

How does one lose the desire for sin? Especially if that desire has become seemingly hard wired in my nervous system? Oh yeah, I guess that's the whole meaning of an addiction and the whole challenge of defeating it.

The Lord wants to bless you with a change of disposition that will unite you with Him in mind and heart, just as He is united with the Father. He wants to give you rest from your isolation from God the Father, the isolation that caused the fears which contributed to your addiction. He wants to make the Atonement effective in your life, here and now.

As you yield to the promptings of the Spirit and look to the Savior for salvation, not only from addiction but from character weaknesses, you can be assured that a new disposition or character will grow out of your willing heart. A growing desire to be sanctified by God will make you ready for a change in your very nature.

The manual points out the propensity people feel to take their struggles head on, by themselves. And it points out that that approach is precisely why people fail to overcome their addictions time and time again. I know I need "a higher power" involved in the mix, but when it comes down to the time to submit to God, I'd rather go amuse myself elsewhere. I'd rather stay home from church, read blogs, watch TV, or pretty much anything rather than study the scriptures and pray with real intent.

“No matter what the source of difficulty and no matter how you begin to obtain relief—through a qualified professional therapist, doctor, priesthood leader, friend, concerned parent, or loved one— no matter how you begin, those solutions will never provide a complete answer. The final healing comes through faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and obedience to His commandments” (Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Apr. 1994, 9; or Ensign, May 1994, 9).

Although there are many possible roads to addiction recovery, I think for me the only one that will work is one that involves--REALLY involves--Christ.

Content

Not so cranky anymore.

As I've experienced a million times, a few hours of sleep puts an amazing distance between me and my crankiness. And, as I suspected, I felt more embarrassment about airing my pity party than anything else. Just thought I'd let you know in case anyone's been praying for me. You have, right? Right? ;-)

I love sitting in sacrament meeting and getting that peaceful feeling that everything will be okay. Even though the world is filled with injustices and hypocrisy and bigotry, it's worth having hope and optimism. The hymn in my ward today made me cry. You've probably never heard it before:

Come, come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear;
But with joy, wend your way.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
’Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell
All is well! All is well!

It really is, you know. All is well.